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BECKLEY-CARDy COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS CHICA^9 


















































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HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 
FOR CHILDREN 

~7Z 77 


BY 


MARIE IRISH 

\% 

Author of District-School Dialogue! 
Humorous Drills and Acting Songs 




BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 
CHICAGO 











COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY BECKLEY- CARDY COMPANY 

AJLL RIGHTS RESERVED 


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CONTENTS 


o* <i 

PAGE 

All's Well that Ends Well. .. 2 boys , 2 griVZs 71 

Aunt Doleful's Ailments..2 4 grcVZs 101 

Brave Boys .2 ft 01/5, 2 grirZs 9 

Brother Jedediah.3 boys , 5 girls 84 

Cora's Callers .3 boys , 3 girls 30 

Cousin Joshua.3 boys , 3 girls 39 

Getting Even with Sister's Beau.3 boys , 2 girls 36 

Home-Made Play, A.5 boys , 5 girls 96 

Lem Heck's Horse. 5 boys , 3 girls 26 

Making a Cake. 3 boys 11 

Mary's New Dress. 6 girls 118 

Meeting of the Minstrels.5 boys , 5 girls 53 

Merry Maidens Club, The. 7 boys 114 

Miss Betsy’s Burglar.1 boy , 1 girl 59 

Miss Merton, Milliner.2 boys , 8 girls 106 

Mrs. Paxton's Party.5 boys , 9 girls 75 

Naughty Mouse, The. 4 girls 13 

Readin' the News.2 boys , 3 girls 45 

Samuel’s Proposal .1 boy , 1 girl 23 

School Board’s Visit, The....7 boys , 5 girls 15 

Seein’ Maw Off.4 boys , 4 girls 47 

Sick Baby, The.1 boy , 2 girls 7 

Spelling Class, The.4 boys , 4 girls 20 

That Dog Rover. 6 boys 92 

Waiting for the Doctor.5 boys , 7 girls 63 


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PREFACE 


It is fondly hoped these dialogues are humorous. In order 
to help make them so, you who have charge of presenting them 
to the public are urged to enthuse your characters, in which 
ease they will give the lines with a ‘ ‘ pep ’ 9 that will insure suc¬ 
cess, for children love to act, and usually do it well—often sur¬ 
prisingly so. 

Insist that lines are learned early , for rehearsals are of little 
value until parts are committed; then drill and drill, paying 
attention to little things from the first, for these count for 
ultimate success. 

In pieces calling for costumes, let these be humorous rather 
than really appropriate—a farmer with rope whiskers will 
prove more amusing than one with the real article. Where it 
is possible, let the costumes increase the humor, and this will 
also inspire the actor to do his best. 

Endeavor to have at least two rehearsals, with all properties 
and costumes, that actors may feel entirely at home in their 
clothes and on the stage. 

Remember the two p *s —you have patience and actors have 
'‘pep”—then all together for success! 

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HUMOROUS DIALOGUES FOR 
CHILDREN 

THE SICK BABY 


Characters: Doctor, Nurse, Mother 


To be given by small children. The Mother wears long skirt 
and has hair done up; Nurse wears white cap and apron; 
Doctor has long coat with the sleeves turned back , a high 
paper collar , a high stiff hat, and carries a box for 
medicine chest. A large dolly is used for the Baby. 


Discovered , the Mother holding the Baby. 


Mother: I hope the doctor hurries, 
very ill. 


Enter Nurse. 


I’m sure my child is 


Nurse: The doctor will be here very soon. 

Mother: Do I look all right? [Pats hair.] I don’t want 
him to think I’m a fright. 

Nurse: You look all right except there’s freckles on your 
face. 

Mother: Well, I can’t help them—I didn’t put ’em there; 
besides,— [mention bay’s name ]—I mean the doctor, likes 
freckles ’cause he’s told me so. 

[Knock is heard. Nurse goes to door and bows in the 
Doctor.] 

Enter Doctor. 


Doctor*. I hurried as fast as I could— I ’ll have to charge 
extra ’cause I ’ve hurried so fast I ’ve made my rheu¬ 
matism worse. 


7 


8 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Mother: Oh, doctor, I didn’t know you ever had rheumatiz! 
I should think that you’d doctor yourself up an’ keep 
well. 

Doctor : Madam, I have so many sick folks to visit I don’t 
get time to fuss over myself. I’m a very busy doctor. 
How is the baby? 

Nurse : The poor dear is very ill— I think she has conjunction 
of the lights and liver. 

Mother : Oh, doctor, you must save her. 

Doctor: Madam, don’t fret. I have twenty-seven kinds of 
medicine, and we ’ll give ’em all to the child ’fore we ’ll 
let her die. 

Nurse : Her fever’s awful high—went ’way up to two hun¬ 
dred an’ fifty. 

Doctor : Maybe we ’ll have to perform an operation. [Holds 
Doll’s hand.] 

Mother: Oh, no, doctor, ’cause Fred’s dog Rover got hold 
of her and operated until she’s got a hole that her saw¬ 
dust runs out of. 

Doctor: Maybe she has water on the brain. 

Nurse: I don’t think so, doctor, because she got a crack in 
her head yesterday when she fell out the window and the 
water would all run out. 

Doctor: Very true. Well, she looks very sick, so there must 
be something the matter. I think [opening box] I ’ll give 
her some of these pills. 

Mother: Oh, not those homely brown ones—give her some 
pink ones, doctor, ’cause she likes pretty colors. 

Doctor: Well, I don’t suppose it matters, just so I get my 
pay. [Takes out some pills and gives Nurse.] Give her 
one of these ev’ry ten minutes. 

Nurse : My, that’s real often. 

Doctor: Well, the more you give of them, the more money 
I get. Does the baby cry a great deal? 

Mother*. Yes, the poor dear is so sick. 



FOR CHILDREN 


9 


Doctor: Then I better give some drops to make her sleep. 
[Gives bottle.] One baby I gave these to never cried 
again. 

Mother: Oh, how wonderful! 

Doctor : Yes, they put her to sleep and she never woke up. 

Mother: Well, you horrid man, don’t you do that with my 
child. 

Nurse : I think she needs some powders, too, so if one don’t 
help the other will. 

Doctor : All right. [ Gives powders. ] I ’ll come again to¬ 
morrow, and if these haven’t killed her I’ll give some¬ 
thing else. Ten dollars, please. [Takes money and bows 
himself out.] 


BRAVE BOYS 

for folks as little as can learn the parts 
Characters: Frank, Ted, Laura, and Bess. 

Laura: Let’s tell stories. 

Bess: Oh, yes, I love stories. 

Ted : All right, I ’ll tell one. 

Frank: An’ make it a wild one, with Injuns an’ things like 
that. 

Laura: Oh, no, don’t have Injuns—they scare me. 

Bess : An ’ don’t have bears—I’m awful ’fraid of bear 
stories. 

Ted: Aw, you girls are reg’lar ’fraidy-cats. 

Frank [pointing] : Cowardy-cats, ’fraid of stories. [Boys 
laugh.] 

Laura : All right! Tell one if you want to—only don’t have 
it too full of bears. 

Ted: Well, onct on a time there was a little boy went down 


10 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


town to buy some candy an’ he got a whole great lo-o-ng 
stick. 

Bess: Oh, I jes’ love candy. Was it white with red stripes? 

Ted: Uh-huh, I guess so. Well, an’ then the little boy started 
home, an’ it was jes’ beginnin’ to git dark. 

Laura : Don’t have it too dark—I don’t like dark. 

Frank: Aw, now, keep still an’ don’t be stoppin’ the story. 

Ted: An’ the little boy had to go through the woods, real 
da-a-rk woods, an’ when he was haft-way through here 
come a gr-e-e-at big bear. 

Bess: Oh-h-h-h! [She and Laura move close together.] 

Frank : If I’d been there I ’d ’a’ kilt ’im with my air gun. 

Ted: An’ the little boy, he says, “Huh, who’s ’fraid of a 
bear?—I’ll show ’im”; an’ he jes walked right ’long, 
eatin’ candy. Then the bear come closter an’ says, 
“Er-r-r-r-r-r—” awful loud, an’ the little boy says, 
“Hello, Mr. Bear, don’t you want some my candy?” an’ 
the bear, he says, “No, I want a little boy for my 
supper. ’ ’ 

Laura: Oh-h-h-h, dear! 

Bess : Oh-h-h-h, don’t let ’im git et up, ple-e-e-e-se. 

Ted: An’ the little boy says, “Huh, you can’t have me,” an’ 
he started to run, an’ he run, an’ run, jes’ awful fast, 

Frank: I ’ll bet ’e went jes’ like the wind—only faster. 

Ted: Yes—an’ the bear, he run, an’ run, an’ run, an’ kep’ 
sayin’: “I ’ll eat you fer my supper,” an’ the little boy 
says: “You better try to ketch me first.” An’ they 
run ’bout fifty miles, an’ then they come to the little 
boy’s house, an ’ he run through the gate an ’ shut it, so’s 
the bear couldn’t git through. 

Bess : Goody! I bet the bear was mad. 

Ted: Huh, he jes’ clum right over the gate quick as scat, an’ 
run to the house; an’ the little boy run in an’ shut the 
door so’s the bear couldn’t git through an’—what you 
s’pose?’—he jes’ jumpt right through the winder! 


FOR CHILDREN 


11 


Frank : Through glass an’ all? Gee, that was some jump. 
Ted: An’ the boy run upstairs inter his room an’ shut the 
door, an’—lis’en here—that bear jumpt right through 
the door, bustin’ a hole in it, an’ opent his mouth so wide 
a autymobile could git in it, an’— 

Bess: I ain’t goin’ to stay an’ see that boy git et up. [Calls.] 
Mamma, oh, mamma! [Runs off.] 

Laura: That’s an awful mean story, so! [Runs off.] 

Ted : An’ the room was al-1-1 dar-r-r-k, an’ the bear’s eyes was 
red, an’ his tongue was red, an’— 

Frank: Say, I—I—I got—to-o-o go—honest, I have. [Runs 
off-] 

Ted: An’— [looking around in frightened way] —seems like 
—I hear [looking around and speaking in frightened 
tone] —somethin’ in—the other room. Mebbe it’s—a—a 
—BEAR! [Gives loud scream and runs off.] 


MAKING A CAKE 

Characters: Fred, John, Ellis. 

Scene: A kitchen , with a table to work on. 
Discovered, the Boys. 

Fred: Now that ma is away let’s make a cake an’ eat it all 
up ’fore she gits home. 

John : That’d be great, but we dunno how to make a cake. 
Ellis : Let’s try anyhow; we can make it out of a book. 

Fred : Huh, they don’t make cakes out of books. 

Ellis: Oh, you boob, I mean read in one o’ ma’s books how 
to make it. 

John: Well, come on, let’s start. I’ll find a book. [Hunts 


12 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


until he finds a book.] Now where does it tell ’bout 
cakes? [Boys look at book.] 

Fred: Here ’tis. Let’s make this one. [Reads aloud.] 
“Cream half a cup of butter—” 

John: How do you cream butter? 

Ellis: W’y, I s’pose you churn it in a chum, same as you 
do to butter cream. I ’ll do that. 

[Gets a small pail or churn or a crock that has a dasher 
made of piece of stick with cross pieces nailed to 
bottom. Goes to side of room and pretends to put in 
butter. Brings churn to table and chiirns merrily.] 

Fred : Then it says to beat two eggs. 

John : I ’ll beat the eggs—that’s easy. [Brings two eggs to 
table. (These can be merely the shells from which inside 
has been blown out and used.) He gets a good-sized stick 
and beats the eggs with it, smashing them into bits.] Gee. 
these are runnin ’ all over the table an ’ we ’ll have to eat 
shells an’ all. Well, I ’ll pound the shells up so’s we 
won’t notice ’em. [He continues to pound and Ellis 
churns.] 

Fred : An’ it says to stone half a cup of raisins. I ’ll do that. 
[Gets a pasteboard container that has brown crusts cut 
into pieces for raisins and sets it on table.] Now I’ll 
have to find some stones. [Runs out.] 

Ellis: I wonder how long I have to churn this ’fore it gets 
to be cream. It seems silly to make butter into cream 
when you’ve jes ’ made cream into butter. 

Enter Fred. 

Fred : Well, I’ve got some stones so’s I can stone the raisins. 
[Stands off a short distance and throws stones, one after 
another, at box until it falls on floor.] Say, do you s’pose 
I’ve stoned ’em enough ? 

John: Well, do you s’pose I’ve beat these eggs enough? 


FOR CHILDREN 


18 


The shells seem real fine, so I guess we won’t notice ’em 
when we eat ’em. 

Ellis: An’ do you s’pose I’ve pounded this butter enough 
to make it cream? [Looks into churn.] Gee, it’s all stuck 
on the dasher an’ bottom of the churn, like salve. 

John: Shall I scrape these eggs up into a dish? 

Fred: Well, I’ll give these raisins a few more stones. 

[Throws stones at package on floor.] 

Ellis: Shucks! I don’t believe this is the way to make a 
cake. 

Fred: Don’t seem like it ’ll taste very good. [Noise is heard 
outside.] Oh, there’s ma! What ’ll she say to this mess? 

John : Let’s beat it ’fore she gets us. [Exeunt.] 

curtain 


THE NAUGHTY MOUSE 

Characters: Grandmas Brown, Jones, and Evans, and 
Nellie Brown. 

Three little girls dress as grandmas with long gowns , white 
kerchief about neck , hair done up and powdered , and 
spectacles. The smallest girl wears real short dress to 
look as young as possible. 

Discovered , the three Grandmas sitting in chairs. 

Grandma Brown: I’m so glad you came over for a visit. 
It seems like old times. 

Grandma Jones : What good times we used to have when we 
were young. I was thinking only yesterday about the 
time I went out in the back yard and drove the wildcat 
away. I don’t see how I dared do it; but I wasn’t ’fraid. 

Grandma Evans: And once when I was a girl I killed a 


14 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


rattlesnake all alone—just think! Everyone said I was 
dreadful brave. 

Grandma Brown: And I used to go out in the woods to 
hunt the cattle when I was real young. There were 
bears an’ wolves running ’round; but I wasn’t ’fraid. 
My mother used to worry ’bout me like ev ’rything; but 
I went jes’ the same. 

Grandma Jones: My, my, those were splendid times. We 
didn’t have all the folderols the young folks do nowadays; 
but we had lots of pleasure, an’ we learned to be brave. 

Grandma Evans: I should say SO! Jes’ think how the 
young folks to-day would act if they saw bears an’ wolves 
an’ wildcats an’ rattlesnakes. 

Grandma Brown*. W’y, they’d be plum’ scart to death. 
We ’d have to show ’em how to be brave. 

Grandma Jones: Once when I was ’bout fourteen there was 
a wolf out in our back field an’ I wanted to take father’s 
gun an’ go shoot it, but my mother wouldn’t hear to it. 
I wasn’t ’fraid of— [Looks.] Oh, I— 

Grandma Brown: What is it? 

Grandma Jones : Oh, I saw a—a mouse! 

Grandma Evans: A mouse? Oh, they scare me to death! 
[She climbs stiffly upon her chair, holding her skirt about 
her.] 

Grandma Jones: Oh, it scares me so I jes’ know I ’ll have a 
heart spell. [Climbs stiffly on to her chair.] 

Grandma Brown : Oh, where is it ? If it runs at me I ’ll sure 
faint away. [Climbs on to her chair.] 

Grandma Evans: There, I think I saw it. [All scream.] 
Oh, this is dreatful with my rheumatiz so bad, too. Oh, 
oh, oh! 

Grandma Jones: Oh, one of you get down an’ scare it out 
the room, so’s I can go home. I re ’lly mus ’ be goin 

Grandma Brown.* Oh, I couldn’t think of drivin’ it out— 
I ain’t feelin’ well. * 


FOR CHILDREN 35 

Grandma Evans : I can’t git down— What if it’d run under 
my skirt. 

[All scream and shudder and hold skirts tight.] 
Enter Nellie Brown. 

Nellie [looking from one to another] : Gee, what in the 
world’s the matter? You playin’ circus? 

The Grandmas [together]: Oh, a mouse, a mouse! 

Nellie: A mouse? Is that all? Where is it? I’ll fix ’im. 
[Grabs broom from the corner and begins to pound on 
floor and make a racket.] Get out of here, you rascal. 
I ’ll fix you, you little Hun. Shoo! Well, I guess he’s 
gone—can’t see ’im anywhere. 

[Grandmas climb down very stiffly, looking around 
carefully.] 

Grandmas [together] : What an escape! [Sink weakly into 
chairs.] 

curtain 


THE SCHOOL BOARD’S VISIT 

Characters 

Miss Green, the teacher 

Mr. Sloan, Mr. Benson, and Mr. Tuggs, school board 
Will, Joe, Tim, Jack, Hattie, Lucy, Mary, Jane, pupils 

Scene: The schoolroom. 

Discovered , Miss Green and the Pupils. 

Miss Green: Now, children, we are to have a visit from the 
school board, and I hope you will all be very good and 
polite while they are here. You must sit up straight in 


16 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


your seats and pay attention, and if they ask you any 
questions, try very hard to answer them, so they will 
think you have been well taught. [Scraping of feet is 
heard.] I think they are coming now. [Shakes finger.] 
Be very good. [Knock is heard; she goes to door.] Good 
afternoon, gentlemen. Come in. We are very glad to see 
you. [Shakes hands.] Children, our school board has 
come to visit us. Isn’t that nice? [She gives them 
chairs. ] 

Pupils: Yes, ma’am. [Sloan and Benson sit] 

Tuggs: Yes, children, we came over fer a little visit to—to 
visit ye, ’cause we thought it would be nice to—to visit 
ye. Now, children, I hope ye are all real good, an’ I’m 
sure yer real smart, ’cause yer real bright-lookin’, an’ 
with sech a nice—ahem—teacher to teach ye I’m sure yer 
real—real nice an’ smart, yes. An’ it’s a wonderful 
thing, children, to go to school to a nice—ahem—teacher 
an’ larn to be nice an’ smart, yes. Ye know, children, 
the Good Book tells as how wisdom is better ’n agates 
an ’ moonstones, an ’ right here’s where ye git it, yes. 

Mary [waving hand] : Teacher’s got a diamund—Hank 
Barnes give it to ’er. 

[Tuggs sits; other men cough to hide laughter.] 

Miss Green [confused] : Now, children, I think, that is, chil¬ 
dren, perhaps I—I—our other visitors will make us nice 
speeches. You want to hear them, don’t you? 

Pupils: Yes, ma’am. 

Sloan [rising] : Wal, children, I hain’t come here to make 
no speech. I hain’t no speechmaker. If I do say it 
myself, I kin run a plow an’ pitch hay with the best of 
’em, but when it comes to speeches, I hain’t no Fourth-a - 
July o-raytor. What I come here fer is to see how yer 
behavin’ an’ how much yer lamin’ from this nice teacher 
we got fer ye. So I’m goin’ to ask ye some questions. 
What’s the name o’ the five zones? [Points to Will.] 


FOR CHILTiEN 


17 


Will [rising] : W’y,—er—the teip’rate zone an’— 

Jack [waving hand] : An’ the itemp’rate zone. 

Sloan: Jes’ so. Some folks-consid’rable many—is in¬ 
temp ’rate. 

Will: An’ the—the— 

Lucy : Please, sir, they’s thepostal zone, ’cause my maw 
knows which number we lie in. [Will sits.] 

Sloan: Very good. We ah know ’bout the postal zone, 
don’t we, children? 

Pupils: Yes, sir. 

Joe [waving hand] : The hey ’s the war zone. Paw, he 
read ’bout it in the pap**. 

Sloan: Jes’ so. The war zfcL>. Now, children. I see ye 
know the zones real well. What’s the stummick? 

[Points to Tim.] 

Tim [rising ]: W’y, it’s a—well,—er—a smiethin’ insidp^i 
us that we put food into which we have et an’—an’ it’s 
made o’ rubber. 

Sloan : Tut, tut! What makes you say it’s made o ’ rubber ? 

Tim: Yes, ’tis, ’cause maw said so yistaday. She said I 
couldn’t eat so much if my stummiek wasn’t made o’ 
rubber. [Children laugh.] 

Sloan [scratching head] : Wal, I hain’t goin’ to deespute yer 
maw’s word—’tain’t polite. [Tim sits.] Now we must 
do a little ’rithmytic. This little boy. [Points to Jack.] 
If I give ye three dogs an’ Mister Benson gives ye two 
more, how many will ye have then? 

Jack [rising] : W’y,—w’y,—er—if you gives me three dogs 
an’ he gives me two dogs,I’ll have [counts on fingers] 
seven dogs! 

Sloan: Tut, tut. Two and three hain’t Seven. 

Miss Green : Why, Jack, you know better than that. 

Jack: Yes, sir, seven, ’cause I ’ve got two dogs to home an’ 
that’d make seven. 

Sloan: Wal, I guess yer right. [Jack s7tfs.] I see, childrun, 


18 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


ver real well taught. Nw I ’ll lO Mister Benson ask ve 
somethin’. [$its.] 

Benson [rising] : Ahem! I—er —[blows nose] I you 

know, childrun, things is divided inter three kingdoms 
yes, three kingdoms—an’—- 

Hattie [waving hand] : But they hain’t goin’ to have kings 
’cause the world’s gittin’ Hired o’ kings ’cause they re 
bad. 

Benson : Mebbe so, but they’s three kingdoms, childrun, ye 
know, the vegitabul, the ani 'uul, an’ the min rul. Now. 
this girl [points to Jane], T m e which kingdom hops 
belongs to. 

A v* r rising] : Please, sir, to '‘the animal kingdom. 

Benson: Hops? AnimrJi kingdom? Now jes’ think real 

, * hard an’ see \i V* can’t do better. 

■ , ic, hops an’ they ’re an mals, an rabbits hops 

an they re f , boyg hops an’ they ’re an’mals, 

an— ’ 


Will: Aw, boys hain’t no an’mais. 

Jane: They be, too; same’s apes. 

Benson: Wal, I wouldn’t say, now, they’s same as apes— 
not quite the same. Now we ’ll try agin. [Jane sits.] j 
What kingdom does the ches’nut belong to? [Points to 
Joe.] Yes, the ches’nut—what kingdom? 

Joe: The—er—ches’nut—w’y,—er—the ches’nut belongs to 
the an’mal kingdom. 

Benson: An’mal? The ches’nut? Now think hard—think 
of a ches’nut. Don’t it belong to the vegitabul kingdom 

—hey? 

Joe: But, say, I was thinkin’ of the horse ches’nut. [Sits.] 

Benson: Wal,—er—of course, the—the horse ches’nut, of 
course, that’s dif’runt. Now I guess it’s Mister Tuggs’s 
turn. [Sits.] 

Tuggs: [rising]: Now, children, I s’pose you know ’bout 
ginder, you know, whether they ’re he er she, an ’ we call 





FOR CHILDREN 


19 


’em maskaline an’ femmernine. Now, what ginder is 
lady? [Points to Mary.] 

Mary [rising] : W’y, it’s—it’s— 

Tuggs: Now what ginder is yer maw? 

Mary : Maskerline. 

Tuggs : No, no, a man is maskerline ginder. 

Mary : Wal, paw says maw is the man at our house. He says 
she oughter wear the pants. 

[Teacher and Men cough and smile behind hands.] 

Tuggs: Yes—er, of course, jes’ so. Now you tell me what a 
milksop is? [Points to Lucy.] 

Lucy*. It’s a—a—er—a breakfast food that you eat with 
milk. 

Hattie [waving hand] : No, sir, it’s a rag to sop up spilt 
milk with. 

Jack [waving hand] : Oh, oh, I know! He’s like teacher’s fel¬ 
ler, for Uncle Bill said Hank Barnes is a reg’lar milksop. 

[Men cough and laugh; Pupils giggle.] 

Miss Green [angrily] : I ’ll tend to you,'Jack Hinton. 

Tuggs: We’ve hed an injoyible visit, teacher an’ children, 
an’ I’m sure the school is fine an’ yer lamin’ splendid. 
Now I guess we ’ll hev to go, but we ’ll come agin, yes. 

[Men shake hands with Teacher and exeunt.] 


curtain 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


20 


THE SPELLING CLASS 

Characters 

Miss Jones, the teacher. 

Charles, James, Tom, Fred, Nora, Ida, Susan, pupils. 

Scene: A schoolroom; maps on wall, desk with books for 
teacher, chairs arranged for seats. 

Miss Jones [tapping bell] : Spelling class, attention. Stand. 
[Children rise.] March. [They march fomvard as 
Teacher claps hands to mark time.] Toe the line. [// 
there is no crack in floor the Children toe a chalk mark.] 
Charles, get your feet back where they belong. 

Charles : Teacher, my feet ’s so big I can’t see where the 
line is. [Toes line with difficulty.] 

Miss Jones: I hope you all studied your lesson diligently 
because it is very important that you should become good 
spellers. 

Fred : Say, teacher, Tom Higgins wrote a note to Mary Beggs 
an’— 

Tom: Aw, I didn’t, neither. 

Fred: Yes, ma’am, an’ he begun it “d —double e —r Mary” 
an’— 

Tom : I never did. 

Fred: Yes, ma’am, he did, an’— 

Tom: You keep still or [shaking fist at Fred] I ’ll— 

Miss Jones [rapping with ruler]: Order! Quiet! Fred, 
you talk too much. James, you may spell incompatibility. 

James: I-n in, c-o-m com, incom, p-a-t pat, incompat, i, in- 
compati, b-i-1-1 bill, incompatibil— 

Miss Jones: Wrong; that’s not the way to spell bil. 


FOE CHILDREN 


21 


James: That ’s the way Uncle Bill spells it. 

Miss Jones: Well, this isn’t your Uncle Bill, is it? Next, 
spell incompatibility. 

Fred : I-n in, c-o-m com, incom, p-a-t pat, incompat, i, incom- 
pati, incompat—an’ I—incompat—an’ I—say, teacher, I 
can’t remember what the feller’s name is that comes in 
next. I got Pat an’ I in, but now I’ve forgot who comes 
in next. 

Susan [waving hand in air] : Oh, I know —it ’s Bill. 

Fred: Oh, yes—in comes Pat first, then I, an’ then Bill, all 
cornin’ to tea. 

Miss Jones: That will do. I see you do not know how to 
spell the word. Next, you may spell incompatibility. 

Ida : I-n in, c-o-m com, mcom, p-a-t pat, incomespat, i, in- 
eomespatan’ I, b-i-l-l-y billy, in comes Pat an’ I an’ 
Billy- 

Miss Jones: No, no, you are not spelling that right. 

Charles: It ain’t Billy that comes in; it’s Bill. 

Ida : Well, it says Billy in the word anyhow. It says incom- 
patibilly, so there. 

Miss Jones*. Children, be still. Ida, I am surprised you can¬ 
not spell the word. Next, incompatibility. 

Nora : I-n in, c-o-m com, incom, b-i-1 bil, incomesbil,— 

Tom : Oh, teacher, she’s got Bill come in before Pat. [Chil¬ 
dren all laugh.] 

Miss Jones: Well, of all the stupid classes! Next, you may 
spell the word and see if you can get Pat and I and Bill 
to come in in proper order. 

Susan : I-n in, c-o-m com, incom, p-a-t pat, incompat—incom¬ 
pat—. Teacher, I’ve got Pat in, now do I come in next 
an’ then Bill ’fore we get the tea? 

Miss Jones : It would n’t take a very smart person to see that 
you do not know how to spell the word. 

Susan: That’s an awful hard word. Pat an’ I an’ Bill get 
all mixed up in it. Shall we try to come in again ? 




22 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Miss Jones: No, you cannot have another trial. Next, spell 
incompatibility. 

Tom : I-n in, c-o-m com, incom, p-a-t-t-y patty, incompatty— 

Fred : Aw, it ain’t Patty that comes in—it’s Pat. He thinks 
it’s Patty ’cause he’s so stuck on the girls. [Other 
children laugh.] 

Tom: That ain’t so, smarty; an’ it is, too, Patty, ’cause 
teacher said incompatty, didn’t you, teacher? 

Miss Jones: No, I said incompat-i— 

Nora : Oh, teacher, maybe it was n’t Pat that come in; maybe 
it was just Pat’s eye. That’s an awful funny word. 

Miss Jones [severely]: The word is not so funny as this class 
is stupid. I am ashamed of you. Next, you may spell 
incompatibility. 

Charles : I-n in, c-o-m com, incom, p-a-t pat,—there, I’ve got 
Pat in—incompat, i, incompati—now I’ve got in so Pat 
an’ I are in all right—b-i-1 bil, incompatibil— 

James : An ’ now he ’s got Bill in, too. 

Charles: B-i-1 bil, in come Pat an’ I an’ Bill, i, in come Pat 
an’ I, an’ Bill an’ I—gee, teacher, how can I come in 
again when it don’t say nothin’ ’bout my goin’ out? Do 
I git tea twice? 

Ida: I don’t see any sense to that word—in come Pat an’ 
I an’ Bill an’ I— 

James: I don’t see what she wants to come in with Pat an’ 
Bill both for; a girl don’t need two fellows. 

Ida : I did n’t say I did. 

Miss Jones: This lesson is a disgrace. You may take your 
seats and study. I will hear you spell after school 
to-night. Pass. 


curtain 


FOR CHILDREN 


23 


SAMUEL’S PROPOSAL 

Characters: Samuel and Hettie. 

Discovered: Samuel and Hettie sitting with chairs several 
feet apart. 

Samuel : I’ve bin thinkin ’ for some time, Hettie—I’ve bin 
thinkin’—ye know— 

Hettie: No, I didn’t know. 

Samuel : That we might—that it might be a good plan—to— 
fer us to—pervided ye feel agreeabul—to git married 

Hettie [bashfully twisting handkerchief ] : Oh, w’y, Samuel, 
that’s real nice, but—that is—I— 

Samuel: I think ye ’re a real good cook—’course, I want 
somebody that kin cook well, seein’ I ’m uster havin’ the 
best—my mother bein ’ sech a fine cook. 

Hettie: Yes, I ’spose so, Samuel. 

Samuel: An’ I s’pose ye kin sew, can’t ye? Maw says 
wimmin oughter do all their own sewin’, ’cause it saves 
sech a lot o’ money—these dressmakers charge somethin’ 
awful. An’ then, too, ye could do quite a bit o’ sewin’ 
fer me, makin’ shirts an’ overalls an’ sech. 

Hettie : Wal, I kin sew some. 

Samuel : Mebbe ye kin practice, so’s to do better ’fore we 
git married. An’ then I’d like ye to know quite a bit 
’bout nursin’—it’s awful handy to be able to take keer 
o’ sick folks—them hired nurses charges somethin’ ter¬ 
rible. Mebbe Mis’ Henley might teach ye some. She’s 
real good at it. 

Hettie: Yes, she is, Samuel. 

Samuel : I’m real glad ye kin drive a team good, ’cause 




24 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


like’s not ye ’ll be able to help me sometimes. Real offun 
I need somebody to drive team fer me. 

Hettie : Paw says I drive ’bout ’s good as he does. 

Samuel: An’ I hope yer real good at figgerin’— I hate this 
addin’ an’ multyplyin’ an’ so forth, an’ I’d like fer ye 
to keep all our accounts. 

Hettie: Wal, I kin figger pritty good, so paw says. 

Samuel: An’ I ’ll want ye to be real savin’, for I’d like to 
git on well. ’Course I ’ve got a good farm an’ money 
laid by, but I ’m thinkin’ of buyin’ anuther farm. 

Hettie : That ’d be real nice. 

Samuel : An’ yer real good with poultry, ain’t ye ? A woman 
kin make an awful lot with hens if she’s a good hand. 

Hettie: Wal, I ’ve raised poultry quite a bit. 

Samuel: An’ so [moves chair closer], it seems to me, seein’ 
yer so qualerfied to make a good farmer’s wife we [moves 
closer] might’s well be gittin’ married, Hettie. [Moves 
closer and tries to take her hand.] 

Hettie [pulling hand away] : Wal, now, they’s a few things 
I ’d like to ask you ’bout ’fore I agree. I ’m sort o ’ per- 
tickler what kind of a man I git. Kin ye cook any? 

Samuel: W’y, I —I—no, I can’t. 

Hettie: Wal, I think a man oughter be able to cook so’s to 
git meals if his wife’s sick or wants to go visitin’. Be 
you much of a carpinter? 

Samuel : W ’y, I—no. I don’t know nothin ’ ’bout it. 

Hettie : Wal, I think a man oughter know how to use ham¬ 
mer an’ saw an’ sech, ’cause they’s lots he kin do fer a 
woman, puttin’ up shelves, an’ makin’ winder boxes an’ 
mendin’ fernychoor, an’ so on. 

Samuel: I—’spose so. 

Hettie : Then I ’ d like ye to be able to wipe dishes without 
breakin’ ’em, an’ to sweep the settin’ room, er mop up 
the kitchin’ so’s you could help me if I ’s real busy. 

Samuel: But I—I—that is—I— 



FOR CHILDREN 


Hettie : An ’ be ye real good at paintin ’ an ’ paperin ’ rooms ? 
We’d need ter fix yer house up a lot with new paint an’ 
paper—it’s lookin’ dreatful dingy—an’ it’d save a lot 
if you could paint an’ paper, fer them hired paperhangers 
charges awful. 

Samuel: I ain’t never done sech work—I’m a farmer an’ I 
can’t .bother with all them things. Besides, we don’t 
hafter do all that fixin’—the house has bin good nuff fer 
maw fer all these years without wastin’ money on paint 
an’ paper, an’ I guess it ’ll do us. 

Hettie : An ’ I hope yer a good hand at -makin ’ gardin an ’ 
raisin’ fruit an’ berries. Some men don’t know nothin’ 
’bout it, but it’s an awful help. 

Samuel [rising] : Wal, if yer goin’ to be so partic’lar an’ 
want a man to do all them foldyrols, we may’s well quit— 
I ain’t goin’ to be no woman’s slave. 

Hettie: Wal, seems to me what ’s sauce fer the goose is 
sauce fer the gander; but it don’t matter, ’cause I’m 
goin’ to marry Hank West an’ he didn’t ask if I was a 
cook an’ dressmaker an’ nurse an’ bookkeeper an’— 
[Samuel starts from room.] Wal, good-bye, Samuel; but 
ye don’t need to hurry. [Exit Samuel.] Now, hain’t 
that jes’ like a man! 


curtain 





26 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


LEM HECK’S HORSE 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. Peet and Mrs. Peet Jed, Sis and Jake Peet 

Grandma and Grandpa Peet Lem Heck. 

Scene : The Peet living room. 

Discovered, Jed and Jake. 

Jed : I don’t think much of the new horse Lem Heck bought. 
That scar on his front foot is— 

Jake: Front foot? W’y, that scar is on his hind foot. 

Jed: Hind foot nothin’—it’s on his right front one. 

Jake: I guess I looked that horse over well, an’ it’s on the 
hind foot, an’— 

Jed: Say, you boob, you don’t know a hind foot from a— 

Jake [loudly] : I guess I know ’bout ’s much any day as you 
do, an’ that horse is— 

Jed [loudly] : ’Tain’t neither—it’s the front foot. I’d go 
hide if I was you, an’— 

Jake: Hide yerself — you don’ know black from white, an ! 
I tell you that— 

Enter Sis. 

Sis: Mercy sakes, what’s all this fuss about'? It sounds like 
you’re havin’ an awful quarrel. Ain’t you ’shamed to 
act this way? 

Jed : He don’ know a hind foot from a— 

Jake: Oh, you got wheels in yer head, an’— 

Sis: Now stop this! It ain’t nice, an’ you make up right off. 

Jed: All right, I s’pose it’s silly. 

Jake: Yes, no need to quarrel. [They shake hands.] 

Jed: But anyway that horse of Lem Heck’s got a — 


FOB CHILDREN 27 

Sis: What, that new one that’s got the white spots on ’is 
back? 

.Jake : He ain’t got no white spots on ’is back—they ’re on— 
Sis: W’y, they are, too, on ’is back, for— 

Jed: Aw, git out! You don’t know what yer talkin’ ’bout. 
Sis : I do, too. I know jest as much ’bout that horse as you 
do, greenhorn. Jest ’cause you ’re a boy you— 

Jake: What do girls know ’bout horses? Don’t put on airs, 
smarty. 

Sis.: I ain’t puttin’ on airs, you horrid thing, an’— 

Jed [loudly] : You be too, an’— 

Sis [louder] : I tell you I ain’t, an’— 

Enter Mrs. Peet. 

Mrs. Peet : Children, stop this disputing—the neighbors will 
hear you. How often have you been told not to quarrel? 
Sis*. I ’m sure I don’t want to quarrel— I ’m not so silly. 
You boys have your own way—it’s all right, [Shakes 
hands with each boy.] 

Jake: We don’t care ’bout Lem Heck’s horse, anyhow. 

Mrs. Peet: What horse? That new bay one he’s jes’ 
bought ? 

Sis: Bay? W’y, that horse ain’t bay—it’s sorrel. 

Mrs. Peet: Sorrel? You mus’ be color blind! It’s a light 
bay, an’— 

Jed: W’y, maw, where hev yer eyes been? It ain’t light— 
it’s a dark— 

Mrs. Peet: Now, look here, I guess I saw that horse, an’ it’s 
a light— 

Sis: I tell you it’s a sorrel, ’cause— 

Mrs. Peet [loudly] : The idee! Sorrel, you don’t know— 
Jed : [ louder ]: I tell you it ’s a— 

Jake: [louder] : Lis’en here—it’s a dark— 

Mrs. Peet [louder] : Ain’t I the mother of this fam’ly? I 
tell you — 


28 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


*. Enter Mr. Peet. 

Mr. Peet : What in the world ’s goin ’ on here ? It sound 
like a ’sylum. Don’t you know that it ain’t nice t 
quarrel ? 

Mrs. Peet : ’Course it ain’t nice, an ’ we ’re goin 7 to qui 
right off. [Pats Sis on the hack.] We don’t care ’bon 
that ol’ horse. 

Mr. Peet : What horse ? 

Mrs. Peet: The one Lem Heck jes’ bought — you saw it tin 
other day. 

Mr. Peet: Oh, that sort o’ ches’nut buggy horse? 

Mrs. Peet : Ches ’nut ? Where’s yer eyes ? It ’s a— 

Sis: It’s a sorrel, paw! You didn’t see straight. 

Jed [loudly] : I tell you that horse is a dark— 

Mrs. Peet [louder] : It ’s a light—I tell you a light— 

Mr. Peet [louder] : Ain’t I the head o’ this fam’ly an’ don’t 
I know what color a horse is ? The idee! 

Mrs. Peet: Yes, paw, but it ’s a— 

Sis*. A sorrel, paw—a real sorrel, an’— 

Mr. Peet [ louder, rapping on table] : Ain’t I bin handlin’ 
horses all my life, an’ don’t I know what color that 
buggy horse is? 

Jake: It ain’t a buggy horse—it’s a work horse. 

.Mr. Peet [very loud] : Look here, young man, I want you 
to understand— 

Enter Grandpa and Grandma. 

Grandpa : Dear, dear, this is an awful racket. Be you folks 
havin’ a quarrel? 

Grandma: Ain’t that a shame when we alius brought up our 
fam ’ly not to quarrel, but to live peac ’bul ? 

Grandpa : If they’s anything I hate it’s to hear folks havin ’ 
disputes. Don’t you know they don’t do no good t I 

Grandma : An’ they ’re wrong, too—’t ain’t right to quarrel. 



FOR CHILDREN 


29 


trandpa : Well, Melvin, here, gits it from yer side the house. 

They was great fer disputin’ an’— . 

tRandma : That’s no sech a thing, an’ you know it. Wasn’t 
your folks alius havin’ quarrels? 
trandpa: Here, here, now don’t go savin’ things that ain’t 
so, fer ev’rybody knows that— 
tRandma : Don’t you go pickin’ on my folks—yer alius doin’ 
that, an ’— 

trandpa : I ain’t neither; but you know that— 
iRANdma [loudly] : I don’t neither! 

Irandpa [rapping with cane ancl speaking very loud ] : 
You do ! 

Jr. Peet : Great Scot, you two better stop or folks ’ll be 
coinin’ in to see what’s up. 

Jrs. Peet: Wal, I should say so. 

Irandpa [patting Grandma’s shoulder] : Mebbe so! I guess 
that’s so. [Knock.is heard.] 

Enter Lem Heck. 

1r. Peet : Come in, come in, Lem. 

jEm Heck : I come over, Mel, to see if you ’ll help me take 
my horses to town. I bin buy in’ some to ship to my 
brother—a ches’nut buggy horse, an’ a bay, an’ a sorrel, 
an’ sev’ral others. Mebbe you’ve seen me drivin’ ’em 
j ' for exercise. 

1r. Peet: Yes. I have. Sure, I ’ll help ye. 

[Exeunt Mr. Peet and Lem.] 
Trs. Peet: There, we all of us was right—only we seen 
f different horses. 

Irandpa: An’ remember it don’t do no good to quarrel! 


CURTAIN 



30 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


CORA’S CALLERS 

Characters 

Cora Barnes, a young lady. Marie, the maid. 

Miss Cornelia, her old George, Harry, Tom, Corah 
maid aunt. friends. 

Scene : Living room in Cora ’s home. 

Discovered , Cora dressed for company. 

Cora: I don’t think Marie dusted this room very well. 
[Calls.] Marie, come here! 

Enter Marie. 

Marie: An’ what do you want now, Misst 

Cora [pointing]: It doesn’t seem to me that chair has been 
dusted. 

Marie : Oh, I thought you’d dust it when you sat in it. 
[Pulls cloth from her apron belt, where she has it tucked , 
and dusts chair.] 

Cora: My Aunt Cornelia is coming to call this afternoon 
and I want things to look nice, as she is very particular. 
[Marie continues to dust the room.] I dread to have her 
come, for she always finds fault about something. 

Marie: Yes, Miss, these old maids most always do. Well, I 
guess this room is all right now. Anyway, I can’t spend 
any more time on it ’cause I’ve got to be in the kitchen 
when the grocery boy comes. [Exit.] 

Cora: I hope none of the boys will come to call this after¬ 
noon, for Aunt Cornelia will tell mother when she comes 
home and make a fuss about it. [Bell rings off stage.] 
There, she has come. 


FOR CHILDREN 


31 


Enter Marie, followed by George. 

Marie: Here’s a caller to see you, Miss. [Aside.] An’ he 
ain’t as nice lookin’ as the grocery boy, to my notion. 

[Exit.] 

Cora : How do you do, George ? I’m glad to see you. Have 
a chair. [They sit.] It’s a nice day. [Aside.] What 
will Aunt Cornelia say if she finds him here? 

George: Yes, it’s a fine day. Pa wants it to rain so’s to 
help the crops; but I like this nice weather. Suits me 
all right. I don’t like the rain—takes too much trouble 
to keep my shoes polished when it’s muddy. Some swell 
party we had the other night, was n’t it? I s’pose you’ve 
heard ’bout the one over to Keller’s next week. Say, 
you ’ll go with me, won’t you ? I thought I’d ask you 
early an’ avoid the rush. Have some candy? [Pulls 
paper sack from pocket and Cora takes a stick of candy. 
George helps himself and they both take a bite.] 

Cora : Oh, thank you. I’m sure I shall be glad to go. We ’ll 
have a good time. 

George: Yes, there’ll be something doin’ all right. I’m 
goin’ to make pa let me take the Ford. He thinks an ol’ 
horse and buggy’s good nuff for me to run around with; 
he’s awful stingy with that Ford, but I guess he ’ll let 
me take it if I keep at ’im. 

Cora: Oh, that will be lovelj-. [Bell rings.] Oh, there is 
Aunt Cornelia. Oh, dear, what shall we do? She ’ll 
be horrified to find you here! I ’ll cover you up with a 
spread and she ’ll think you are a table. Then pretty 
quick I ’ll take her upstairs to see my new dress, and you 
can go home. Quick, quick! Down on your hands and 
knees! 

George: Gee, that ain’t no fun. [Gets down on hands and 
knees with back raised , and she covers him with a shawl 
or blanket.] 


32 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Enter Marie, followed by Harry. 

Marie : Here, Miss Cora, is a caller come to see you. [Aside.] 
An’ he ain’t so swell as my grocery fellow, neither. 

[Exit.] 

Cora: Oh, Harry, how do you do? I am glad to see you. 
Have a chair. [They sit.] Lovely day, is n’t it? [Aside.] 
What will Aunt Cornelia think? 

Harry: Yes, this is swell weather. I ought to be home at 
work, but I thought I’d come over an’ see if you knew 
’bout the party they ’re goin’ to have next week at 
Keller’s. I don’t want to miss that—we ’ll have a great 
time all right. George is goin’ to get his father to let 
him run the Ford, an’ he asked me to ride with ,’im an’ 
take some girl. Say, you go with me, won’t you ? George 
can take Millie Hanley, an’ they can sit on the front 
seat, an’ you an’ I ’ll have the back seat. Won’t that 
be swell? He ’ll likely run us into the ditch, ’cause he 
ain’t much of a driver, but we won’t mind a little thing 
like that. 

[George, who is behind Harry, rises up and shakes fist 
at him. Bell rings.] 

Cora [rising] : Oh. there is Aunt Cornelia. Harry, she 
will be dreadfully shocked if she finds you here. Let me 
cover you with this blanket, and she will think you are 
a rocking chair. Then I ’ll take her upstairs to see my 
new dress and you can go home. Please! Quick! 
[George covers.] 

Harry: Huh, I don’t want to be a rockin’ chair. [Cora 
makes him hold his arms out to form arms of chair and 
covers him with blanket as he sits on his chair, fixing him 
so that he resembles a rocking chair.] 

Enter Marie, followed by Tom. 

Marie: Well, Miss Cora, I’ve brought you a caller. Seems 
like you are having your share of them to-day all right. 



FOR CHILDREN 


33 


[Aside.] An’ not one of the three, accordin’ to my way 
of thinkin’, is as good lookin’ as my fellow that delivers 
for the grocer. [Exit.] 

Cora: Why, Tom, this is a surprise. I am glad to see you. 
Have a chair. [They siL] I suppose you had to get out 
and enjoy the weather. 

Tom: Sure thing—too nice to stay home at work. Say. 
this weather makes me feel like goin’ to parties. I s’pose 
you have n’t heard ’bout the one they ’re goin ’ to have 
at Keller’s? We ’ll have some swell time, believe me. 
Have some gum? [Pulls package from pocket , and she 
takes a stick. They both begin to chew gum.] Say, I 
thought I’d come over an’ see if you wouldn’t go with 
me. Thought I’d be the first on deck an’ ask you ’fore 
some other fellow got a chance. Say, there ’ll be something 
doing, all right. We don’t want to miss it. You ’ll go 
with me, won’t you ? I heard George say he was goin ’ to 
make his father let him run the Ford, an’ he’d take 
another couple along, an’ I ’ll get ’im to take us. Old 
George is sort of a mutt at running a car, but he ’ll be so 
’fraid he ’ll break it that he ’ll run ’bout three miles an 
hour, an’ we ’ll be safe. Harry likely would like to go 
with George, but he’s so ’fraid of a car he’d be scart 
that he might get thrown out an’ get his new suit dirty. 
[George raises hand under shawl and shakes fist at Tom. 
Harry, who is just back of Tom, raises foot under blanket 
as if to kick him.] You an’ I can surely have some time 
ridin’ on the back seat of George’s little old Ford. 

[Bell rings.] 

Cora [rising] : Oh, what shall I do? That is Aunt Cornelia. 
She will have a fit if she finds you here, Tom. She is so 
faultfinding, and she will tell mother when she comes 
home. Stand up here and let me make a hatrack of you, 
then I ’ll take her upstairs to see my new dress and you 
can go home. Oh, quick, quick! 


34 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


[Stands him at back of stage, makes him hold hands out 
slightly and up, so as to form hooks to hang hats on, 
and covers him with blanket or shawl.] 

Enter Marie, followed by Aunt Cornelia. 

Marie : Here, Miss Cora, is your aunt, come to call on you. 
[Aside.] An’ may heaven help you if she finds out about 
your fellows. [Exit.] 

Cora [shaking hands ]: Oh, Aunt Cornelia, how nice that 
you have come at last. I have been lookin’ for you for 
the last hour. 

Aunt Cornelia : Well, I’m here now, whether you ’re glad 
to see me or not. You don’t look very glad, seems to me. 
I s’pose you wanted to go off somewheres this nice after¬ 
noon. [As she talks takes off hat and hangs it on one of 
Tom’s hands and hangs coat on his other hand.] This is 
a queer looking hatrack, but I s’pose it’s some new¬ 
fangled thing you ’ve bought. Your mother always did 
have poor taste in picking out things. Well, I s’pose 
you ’re as busy as ever doin ’ nothing. I don’t see why in 
the world your mother don’t make you learn to work like 
I did when I was a girl. 

Cora : Why, I do work. I made a cake this morning. 

Aunt Cornelia: Made a cake! Humph! I s’pose you call 
that work. You ’ll find that makin’ a cake ain’t runnin’ 
a house by any means. Now, when I was your age, I 
could run a house as well as my mother could. I s’pose 
you ’re gaddin’ to parties, same as ever. [Takes knittmg 
from bag on her arm, then lays her bag on George’s 
back.] Well, sakes alive, if that ain’t the homeliest table 
I’ve seen in years. I s ’pose it’s some new style. 

Cora [pointing ]: Take this chair, auntie. 

Aunt Cornelia : No, I ’ll set here, though I must say it’s an 
awful odd lookin’ piece of furniture. [Sits down on 
Harry’s lap and jumps up with a scream.] Mercy sakes. 


FOR CHILDREN 


35 


that feels like a—a man! [Snatches cover from off 
Harry.] 

Harry: Yon ain’t very heavy, ma’am. I ’ll hold you if you 
want me to. 

Aunt Cornelia: Impudent scamp, don’t you talk to me 
like that. [Boxes his ear.] What does this mean? 
[George wiggles and her hag falls to floor, with a sound 
of breaking china. The hag should contain an old dish.] 
There, now I s’pose the dish I brought you for a present 
is broke. [She snatches cover from George, who gets up 
ruhhing his knees.] You terrible girl, what does this 
mean? I shall go right now and get your father. He 
must punish you severely. [Hurries to rack and snatches 
her hat, at the same time pulling shawl from Tom.] Oh, 
oh, mercy! Worse an’ more of it! 

Tom: We haven’t done any harm, ma’am. 

Aunt Cornelia: Don’t you talk to me! You fellows, git! 

[Waves them out.] 

Harry: Yes, ma’am, sure. 

[Aunt Cornelia pushes them from stage.] 
Cora : Let me explain, auntie. 

Aunt Cornelia: Explain nothin’! You come with me to 
find your father an’ I ’ll do the explainin’. Have you 
got any more of ’em hid here? 

Cora: No, oh, no. 

Aunt Cornelia: Well, three is a-plenty, Miss. Such doin’s 
I never did hear of. Wait till your father hears it. [She 
marches Cora out.] 

Note: When George gets tired of holding his position as table 
he crouches down on floor to rest, rising up into place whenever 
any one enters or is apt to see him; Harry also drops his hands 
frequently to rest them. The boys can do this in such way as to 
add to the humor of the piece. 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


36 


GETTING EVEN WITH SISTER’S BEAU 

Characters 

Will and Jim Eaton. 

Mrs. Eaton and Daisy Eaton. 

Mr. Jarvis, the minister. 

Scene: The Eaton living room. The room must contain an 
old chair—one can he found among cast-off furniture— 
that is broken so that it will tip over, or else from an old 
chair have part of a leg removed and prop it up so it will 
look all right. It can have a throw over it and a cushion 
added, so that it will seem to he comfortable. Several 
pieces of fudge must he at hand for Daisy to bring in 
on a plate. 

Discovered, Will and Jim. 

Will: Well, I guess we’ll get even with Sis all right this 
time. 

Jim : I should say so. She has been so mean to us she needs 
a lesson. The idea of her not giving us a piece of candy— 
keeping it all for her an’ Hal Harley, jes’ ’cause he likes 
fudge so well. 

Will.: She ’ll wish she had n’t been so stingy to us when that 
Hal gets caught in the traps we’ve set for him. [Look¬ 
ing at chair.] Say, nobody would guess we had fixed 
this chair so it ’ll fall over when he sits in it. 

Jim : No, it looks all right; but the way we sawed that leg, 
it will tip over, sure as fate. Now let’s put pins in this 
chair, so if he sits in it they ’ll stick into ’im. 

Will: Oh, that’s fine. [They go to a chair having a thin 
cushion and push several pins through the cushion from 
the under side, so the points project slightly on upper 




FOR CHILDREN 37 

side.] Now I hope either Sis or Hal Harley sits on this 
good an’ hard. [ Boys laugh.] 

Jim : We ’ll teach Miss Daisy to be mean to her little brothers. 

Will : Now let’s go find that fudge—I know where she put 
it—an’ sprinkle some red pepper on it. 

Jim [slapping thigh with hand] : Oh, won’t that be fine! Poor 
Sis! [They exeunt.] 

Enter Mrs. Eaton. 

Mrs. Eaton: I wonder if Daisy dusted this room. [Looks 
about.] Yes, I think she did. [Looks out.] Oh, here 
comes Mr. Jarvis, the minister, to call. That is real nice. 
[Knock is heard and she goes to door.] Come in, Mr. 
Jarvis, I am very glad to see you. 

Enter Mr. Jarvis. 

Mr. Jarvis : I thought I would stop in a few minutes, Sister 
Eaton, and see if you are in good health and enjoying the 
blessings of life and contentment. 

Mrs. Eaton*. Yes, we are all well and progressing nicely. Do 
take this chair, Brother Jarvis. [Points to the broken 
one.] I hope you are enjoying good health. 

Mr. Jarvis: Very good, thank you, considering the fact— 
[Sits in the chair, settles himself with a twist, and tumbles 
to the floor as the chair falls over.] 

Mrs. Eaton : Oh, oh, dear me—mercy, how terrible! Oh, are 
you hurt, Brother Jarvis? 

Mr. Jarvis [getting to his knees and rubbing himself] : I—I 
hope not, Sister Eaton. [Gets to his feet slowly.] I— a 
most exceedingly queer chair, I must say. Very queer, 
indeed. 

Mrs. Eaton: Oh, really, Brother Jarvis, I am amazed—I 
don’t see how it ever happened to break down. Truly it 
was n’ta weak chair. I’m so sorry. Please take this one. 

[Points to one with pins in it.] 


38 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Mr. Jarvis: The chair certainly looked strong, and I do not 
weigh an excessive amount. [Sits on one with pins and 
arises quickly with a scream,.] Oh, I—why—this is— 

[Dances around nervously.] 

Mrs. Eaton: Oh, what is it? Don’t tell me there is some¬ 
thing the matter with this chair, too. Dear Brother 
Jarvis, I am simply overcome with shame. 

Mr. Jarvis: I—I—think I sat down on a—a—pincushion; 
at least, it felt very much like it. 

Mrs. Eaton: Oh, dear, dear! How terrible to have things 
like this happen to you, of all men. 

Mr. Jarvis : Don’t let it worry you, I beg of you. Accidents 
will happen occasionally. 

Enter Daisy. 

Daisy: Oh, Mr. Jarvis, I ’ve just made some nice fudge, and 
I thought perhaps you’d like some. Men like fudge, I 
have found out. 

Mr. Jarvis : Thank you, Miss Daisy. I’m fond of fudge. A 
bit of sweet is good for all of us. [Takes a piece and bites 
into it.] Oh, ah! [Spits, sputters, and coughs.] Oh, 
indeed, I—I— [ coughs ] —water—please! 

Daisy : Why, what is it ? Is something the matter ? 

Mr. Jarvis [spitting and coughing]: Water—please! 

Daisy: Come with me, quick. [Takes Mr. Jarvis out.] 

Mrs. Eaton : It’s those boys—I ’ll fix them a-plenty! [Exit.] 


CURTAIN 


FOR CHILDREN 


39 


COUSIN JOSHUA 


Characters 


Miss Sophia. 
Josie, her niece. 
Kate, the maid. 


Cousin Joshua. 

Mr. Keens, the minister. 
Mr. Dark, an agent. 


Scene: Living room of Miss Sophia’s home. 

Discovered, Miss Sophia with a letter. 

Miss Sophia: I have a letter from Cousin Joshua, saying he 
is coming to visit me. I have not seen him for several 
years, and I am glad he is coming. I hope he will have 
a good time. 


Enter Josie. 


Josie: Oh, Aunt Sophia, have you received a love letter? 

Miss Sophia: Certainly not—a letter from Cousin Joshua, 
whom you have never seen, saying he is coming to visit. 

Josie: Oh, how nice. Is he handsome? 

Miss Sophia: No —quite plain, but a good man. He is also 
very deaf. 

Josie : Dear me! Do you have to yell to make him hear ? 

Miss Sophia : Yes, but I want you to be very nice to him be¬ 
cause he has a lot of money and no near family. 

Josie: A lot of money? Well, I ’ll be awful nice to him. 

Miss Sophia: Be sure you do. [Exit.] 

Josie: If I’m very, very nice to him, he may adopt me. 

Enter Kate. 

Kate: Where is your aunt, Miss Josie? I want to know 
how she wants the chicken cooked. 



40 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Josie : I think she went into the garden. Sa,y, Kate, we ’re 
going to have company. 

Kate : Company, is it ? Then I s ’pose there ’ll be extra work 
for me to do. 

Josie : But he is rich—got just heaps of money. 

Kate : Oh, then if I ’m nice to him perhaps he ’ll give me 
tips. 

Josie: Sure; but he is very deaf, and you have to yell dread¬ 
fully to make him hear. 

Kate: Oh, I can do that all right. Won’t it be nice to have 
a rich visitor! [Exit.] 

Enter Miss Sophia, wearing hat and shawl. 

Miss Sophia: I am going down to buy some things I want 
before Cousin Joshua comes. I think he ’ll come on the 
afternoon train. Of course he might get here sooner, but 
I do not think it likely. You look after things while 
I’m gone. 

Josie : Certainly, Aunt Sophia. [Exit Miss Sophia.] I wish 
we could get on the good side of Cousin Joshua, so he’d 
take Aunt Sophia and me for a trip to New York city— 
wouldn’t that be swell? I think I ’ll go sew on my new 
waist so it will be done to wear while Cousin Joshua is 
here. [Exit.] 

[There is a pause during which Kate is heard singing off 
the stage. Then there is a ring; Kate goes on sing¬ 
ing, then there is a longer and louder ring of the 
hell] 

Enter Kate. 

Kate : I ’ll bet my last dollar that the rich man has come to 
visit an’ only me here to receive ’im. Now you jes’ 
watch me be nice to the deaf ol’ fellow. [Goes to door.] 
Come right in. [Very loud.] I’m glad to see you, sir. 
Miss Sophia has gone to town, an’ Miss Josie—I don’t 


FOR CHILDREN 


41 


know where she is, but I ’ll look after you till they git 
home. Let me take your satchel. [She takes it from 
him.] 

Enter Mr. Dark. 

Mr. Dark : But I— 

Kate: Now don’t you say a word. I can carry this well as 
not. [Puts satchel at one side of room. Takes his hat 
and puts it up.] Will you sit down, sir? The ladies will 
be here soon. 

Mr. Dark: Well I—that is— I — 

Kate [very loud] : Now don’t you mind that they ’re not 
here. I ’ll look after you. [Aside.] He’s a homely ol’ 
fellow, all right, an’ don’t look like he’s got stacks of 
money, but a body never can tell by looks. [To Mr. 
Dark.] I ’ll tell you, sir, I’m jes’ bakin’ cookies— 
[louder.] cookies! An’ you come out here an’ have a 
few—they ’re awful good. 

Mr. Dark : But, you see— I —you— 

Kate: Now, Miss Sophia won’t care a mite—you jes’ come 
right along. [Aside.] He looks sorter hungry—mebbe 
he’s too stingy to eat much, like some rich folks I’ve 
heard of. [To Mr. Dark.] Jes’ you come right along 
with me. 

Mr. Dark : But let me— 

Kate: Oh, I know you’re hungry—jes’ come right along. 

[Takes him by the arm and marches him off.] 

Enter Josie. 

Josie : I think I ’ll sit here and sew till Aunt Sophia gets 
back. [Sits and sews.] It sounds as if some one is talk¬ 
ing in the kitchen. I wonder if Kate has a beau. I’d go 
and see, but it would make her mad. [Bell rings.] Oh, 
I do wonder if Cousin Joshua has come. Well, I ’ll cer¬ 
tainly be nice to him. [Goes to door.] Come in. [Talks 

\ very loud.] 




42 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Enter Mr. Keens. 

Josie : I am very glad to see you. [Shakes hands.] I know 
you are Cousin Joshua. I am Josie—you ’ve never seen 
me before. I’m glad to meet you because I know you ’re 
very nice, Cousin Joshua. [Takes his hat.] 

Mr. Keens: But I am afraid— 

Josie [very loud]: Now you mustn’t worry. We’re very 
glad to see you. [Aside.] He doesn’t look very smart— 
or very rich either. [To Mr. Keens.] Aunt Sophia and 
I are going to make you have a fine time while you ’re 
here. 

Mr. Keens : I’d like to explain that— 

Josie: Yes, it’s too bad Aunt Sophia isn’t here, but never 
mind—she ’ll be here soon. [Aside.] He’s going to be 
a regular old stick, I know—not a bit of fun in him. [To 
Mr. Keens.] I ’ll show you to your room, and you can 
brush up a bit before we have dinner. 

Mr. Keens : But really, you see—I— 

Josie [very loud] : Oh, it’s all right, Aunt Sophia won’t 
mind. Come right this way. [Takes him by the arm and 
leads him off.] 

Enter Miss Sophia. 

Miss Sophia [taking off hat arid shawl] : Well, now I must 
see if the house is all in order. I don’t want Cousin 
Joshua to see any dust. [Looks around.] I hope Kate 
won’t grumble about him—she doesn’t like company to 
work for; and I hope Josie will be nice to him even if he 
is deaf. [Ring is heard.] Well, I wonder if he has come 
sooner than I expected. [Goes to door.] W’y, Cousin 
Joshua—how are you? Come in. 

Enter Cousin Joshua. 

Miss Sophia [very loud] : I’m very glad to see you. I did n’t 
think you’d be here so soon. [Takes his hat and bag.] 


FOR CHILDREN 


43 


Cousin Joshua: Yes, I’m pretty well, thank ye. 

Miss Sophia : I hope you had a pleasant trip. 

Cousin Joshua: Wal, I bin troubled with rheumatiz, but 
I’m better. 

Enter • Josie. . 

Miss Sophia: Josie, here is our Cousin Joshua, whom you 
have never seen. 

Cousin Joshua: What say? 

Josie: Cousin Joshua? Heavens, then who is in the guest 
room? 

Miss Sophia: What do you mean? 

Enter Kate and Mr. Dark. 

Kate: I heard you talkin', Miss Sophia, so I brought in your 
cousin. I’ve bin givin’ him a little lunch—some cookies 
an' coffee. 

Miss Sophia [staring at Mr. Dark] : What do you mean ? 
This [pointing to Cousin Joshua] is the cousin I ex¬ 
pected. 

Mr. Dark : Well, I tried to— 

Josie: But then who is shut in the guest room? [Falls into 
chair.] 

Cousin Joshua: What say? [Looks at Mr. Dark.] Hev ye 
bin gittin’ married, Sophy? 

Miss Sophia: No, no. 

Kate: Oh my, oh me! What in the world have I done? I 
fed the wrong feller. [Throws apron over face and runs 
out.] 

Mr. Dark: I tried to explain that I was an agent, selling a 
fine line of hosiery, but she wouldn’t listen an’ con¬ 
ducted me to the kitchen. Then I found the cookies were 
so good that I kept silent. I didn’t mean to deceive 
any one. 

Miss Sophia : Well, what about the man in the guest room ? 


44 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Enter Mr. Keens. 

Mr. Keens : I heard voices, so I made bold to leave the guest 
room and see if I could get a chance to explain that— 

Josie: Oh, oh, he isn’t Cousin Joshua! 

Miss Sophia : Of course he is n’t. 

Cousin Joshua: Say, Sophy, what do all these men mean”? 

Mr. Keens [very loud to Cousin Joshua] : We are mistakes. 
[To Miss Sophia.] I am the new minister, and I called to 
invite you to attend a meeting we are going to have. 

Josie : The minister! Oh, oh, and I put him in the guest 
room and shut the door. [Hurries from room.] 

Mr. Keens : It is just a slight mistake, I assure you. I will 
go now, as you have company, and call at another time. 

[Gets hat and hows himself out.]\ 

Mr. Dark: And I shall be pleased to call again and show 
you my fine samples. [ Gets satchel and goes out.] 

Cousin Joshua: What they goin’ for? I’d like to hev a 
visit with ’em. 

Miss Sophia [aside] : What a dreadful mistake! Poor Josie. 
[To Cousin Joshua.] Oh, it’s very funny. 

Cousin Joshua [crossly] : Money? What’d ye say ’bout my 
money? [Aside.] I hope she ain’t tryin’ to git some o’ 
my money. 

Miss Sophia [very loud] : Something funny happened. I ’ll 
tell you after awhile. Let me show you to your room. 

[Exeunt.] 


CURTAIN 


FOR CHILDREN 


45- 


HEADIN’ THE NEWS 

Characters 

Maw Grimes, Paw Grimes, Gran’ma, Mary, and Joe Grimes. 

Scene: Grimes’ living room. 

% 

Discovered , All the family , Paw with newspaper. 

Maw: Now, paw, what’s the news? Don’t set there readin’ 
all to yerself. 

Paw: Wal, tells ’bout Sim Barnes’s brother, the one what’s 
a sailor, an’ he’s bin drownded out to sea. He’d made 
twenty-three trips crost the ocean. 

Gran’ma: Lan’ sakes alive! An’ which one o’ them trips 
was he drownded on? 

Paw [looking] : Don’t say here which one, but I s’pose it 
was the last one. 

Gran’ma: Mebbe so. Don’t see why it could n’t ’a’ told. 

Paw : Now, what you think o ’ this ? Jake Hinton’s gone 
West fer his lungs. 

Joe: Gee, paw, how’d they happin to be out West? Did ’e 
leave ’em there ? I thought folks had to keep their lungs 
in ’em all the time. 

Maw: Goodness sakes, Joey, it means he’s gone West to have 
’em doctored. 

Joe [crossly] : Then w’y, I’d like to know, don’t it say so. 

Paw: Tells here ’bout a man bein’ shot in the vesterbule 
down to the Pacific Hotel. 

j Gran’ma: In ther vesterbule? Wal, now, that’s a part o’ 
the body I ain’t never heerd of before. Beats all how 
they ’re alius gittin ’ new names. What part of ’im do 
you s ’pose the vesterbule is ? 




46 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Maw: W’y, that’s a sort of a hall. 

Gran’ma: Hall, ye say? I ain’t never heerd o’ folks havin 
halls in ’em. I’ve heerd ’bout lights an’ livers an’ stum- 
micks, but no halls. 

Mary: I ’ll bet it means the hall in the hotel, gran’ma. 

Gran’ma: Oh, mebbe it does. 

Paw: Here’s a piece ’bout how to train childern, an’ it says 
never to spank ’em on a full stummick. 

Maw: Who wants to spank ’em on their stummicks—turn 
’em over. 

Paw: Wal, wal, says here as how Nate Perkins has died. 
I’ve knowed Nate fer thirty year — awful good feller. 
He’d jes’ fell heir to twenty thousand dollars from ’is 
uncle — an’ now he’s dead. 

Maw : I wonder what killed ’im. 

Mary: I bet I know. He was so glad to git all that money 
from ’is uncle that it tickled ’im to death. 

Paw: Says here they ’re goin’ to build a courthouse over to 
Paxton. 

Joe: Say, paw, will folks haf to go over to Paxton to do 
their courtin’ then? Bud Sims says Will Means takes 
teacher out buggy ridin’ to court ’er, but I s’pose now 
that they’ll haf to go to Paxton when this courtin’ housp 
is built. 

Mary : Oh, silly, that ain’t what it means. 

Paw: Now, lis’en here, hain’t this the limit? “ For Sale: 
A horse by a needy lady with a limp in the left hind 
leg.” How’d you s’pose she got a limp in ’er left hind 
leg? 

Maw: Pshaw, paw, can’t you see through nuthin’? It 
means the horse has the limp, not the lady. 

Paw: Sho, here’s a dreatful accidint. “A man was out 
huntin ’ an ’ his gun went off when ’e was n’t expectin ’ it 
an’ sent a bullet through ’is brain so straight that his 
demise was instantaneous.” 


FOR CHILDREN 


47 


Grandma: Landy sakes — the poor feller! An’ did it kill 
’im? 

Paw: Wal, it don’t say whether it did or not, but I should 
s’pose likely it would — don’t you, maw? 

Maw: Can’t alius tell — my brother’s wife’s cousin got shot 
through the head instantan’us an’ he got well an’ is 
livin’ yet. 

Paw: You don’t say! Awful queer things happens, don’t 
they? Wal, guess I ’ll pop some corn. [Exit.] 

CURTAIN 


SEEIN’ MAW OFF 

Characters 

Mr. Sim Baxter and Maw Baxter, 7 vis wife. 

Bud and Julie, their children. 

Mrs. Small, Mrs. James, and Mr. Grimes. 

Station Agent. 

Scene: The village depot. At one corner of back place a 
small table with curtain at each side to provide office for 
the Agent. Mrs. Baxter carries umbrella , handbag , and 
a package. Mr. Baxter has suit case, and the children 
bundles. 

Discovered, the Agent. 

Bud [outside] : I bet the train’s went. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Baxter, Bud and Julie. 

Julie: Oh, goody! If the train’s went maw can’t go off 
visitin’. 

Mr. Baxter: Shame on ye, Julie. Don’t ye want yer maw 
to have a trip ? 



4 B HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Julie : No, I’m ’fraid something will happen to ’er without 
us to look after ’er. 

Bud : Aw, there won’t neither. I guess maw can take care 
of herself. Don’t she weigh nigh to a hundred an’ 
eighty ? 

Mbs. Baxter: Oh, hain’t that jes’ terrible if the train’s 
went? I been gittin’ ready fer this trip fer a year, an’ 
if that pesky train’s went without me I ’ll never start 
agin. I ’ll show that railroad, I will. 

Mr. Baxter: Now, don’t git excited. Mebbe it ain’t went. 
I ’ll find out. [ Goes to Agent’s window and pounds on 
table.] Say, anybody to home here? [Agent comes to 
window.] Say, I want to ask ye somethin’. 

Agent : All right; fire away. 

Mr. Baxter : Has the train went ? 

Agent : What train ? 

Mr. Baxter: That one my wife’s bin plannin’ fer a year to 
start off on. 

Agent : Where’s she goin ’ ? 

Mr. Baxter: Now look here, young feller, I dunno as it’s 
any your bizniss where my wife’s goin’, but bein’ as it 
hain’t no secret, she’s goin’ to see ’er sister over to 
Bumpville. 

Agent: That train won’t be here for twenty minutes. 

[Julie has seated herself and fusses with her hat, hair, 
ribbons, and smoothes her skirt; Bud goes about 
reading posters on wall. Maw stands near Agent’s 
window.] 

Mrs. Baxter: Land sakes a mercy! Twenty minutes to 
wait. That’s ’cause I set the clock ahead half an hour 
las ’ night so’s I would n’t miss the train. 

Mr. Baxter: Wal, I s’pose I ’ll haf to buy a ticket. How 
much is a ticket to Bumpville? 

Agent : One ninety. 


FOR CHILDREN 


49 


[Mrs. Baxter pokes Paw with her umbrella and motions 
for him to follow her. They go to opposite side of 
room.] 

Mrs. Baxter: Now, paw, if you tell ’im we ’re all goin’ to 

- [names some nearby large city] ’fore long, mebbe 

he ’ll let us have this ticket a little cheaper. 

Mr. Baxter [returning to Agent] : Now, it’s this way: 
We ’re all of us—the whole kit an’ kaboodle—goin’ 

to - [names city] after a little for a trip. You 

couldn’t let us have this ticket a little cheaper, could 
ye, seein ’ we ’re goin ’ to do so much travelin ’ ? 

Agent*. Couldn’t possibly. It’s against the rules. 

Mr. Baxter: All right—s’pose I ’ll haf to pay it. [Sighs 
and puts down a bill.] 

Mrs. Baxter : That’s a lot of money—I most wish I was n’t 
goin’. [Paw takes his change , which they both count 
carefully.] 

Julie: Come on, Bud, let’s go see if the train’s cornin’. 

Mr. Baxter: Now if you children see it cornin’ you come 
right back in here where it can’t run over ye. [Julie 
and Bud exeunt.] 

Mrs. Baxter: Now paw, listen here, now. You see that 
Julie puts the cat out ev’ry night, won’t ye? An’ that 
she helps the hired girl do the dishes, an’— 

Mr. Baxter: Now, maw, don’t be a-f ussin’—we’ll git along 
fine. 

Mrs. Baxter : An’ listen here, paw, you won’t fergit to lock 
the back door an’ wind the clock nights, will ye? An’ 
don’t let the house catch fire. 

Mr. Baxter: Didn’t I tell ye not to be a-fussin’, maw? 
An’ if they’s a wreck, er the train runs off the track, 
er robbers hold up the cars, jes’ you keep cool an’ don’t 
git excited. 

Mrs. Baxter: Oh, paw, I’m skeert to death o’ wrecks— 
I’m a notion not to go. 





50 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Mr. Baxter: Now didn’t I tell ye not to be a-fussin ? An 
say, if ye should happin to lose yer pockitbook er yer 

tickit now— . 

Mrs. Baxter : Oh, dear, I know I ’ll have somethin like that 
happen—I’m jes’ skeert to death. I wish I was n’t goin \ 

Mr. Baxter: See here, hain’t I told ye not to fuss? An 
say, maw, be awful keerful ’bout them there street ears, 
an’ don’t let ’em run over ye now. 

. Mrs. Baxter: Oh, paw, I read last week ’bout a woman 
bein’ killed by a street car. Do you s’pose I better go? 

Mr. Baxter: Pshaw, ain’t I bin tellin’ ye not to worry l 
You 11 be all right if nothin’ don’t happen. 

Enter Julie. 

Julie: Maw, have ye got yer ticket all safe? 

Mrs. Baxter: Why, where is that ticket? [Hunts in bag.] 

Mr. Baxter: Don’t ye worry, maw, I got that tickit right 
here, safe in my pockit. 

Julie: Well, that won’t help maw when she’s on the train. 
Why don’t ye give it to her? 

Mr. Baxter: Shucks, I never thought o’ that. Here, put 
it where it’s safe. 

Mrs. Baxter [putting ticket in bag ]: An’, paw, if it rains, 
you see that Julie shuts the winders. 

Enter Mr. Grimes. 

Mr. Grimes: Well, how are ye, Sim? Glad to see ye. Goin’ 
off for a trip? How-de-do, Mrs. Baxter? Nice day to 
travel. 

Mrs. Baxter: I ’m goin’ to see my sister; the rest of the 
folks is goin’ to stay home this time. 

Mr. Grimes: Well, well, Sim, you’re in for a good time. 
You ’ll surely come to see me while she’s gone. Come 
down some night an’ we 11 play cards an’ mebbe go to 
the movies. Don’t stay home an ’ be lonesome. 



FOR CHILDREN 


51 


Mr. Baxter: That’s a fine idee. I ’ll try to come. 

Mrs. Baxter [aside]: Oh, I bet Sim will go—what if he gits 
wild while I’m gone! I’m a notion to stay home. 

Mr. Grimes: Come on outside an’ smoke a few minutes, 
Sim. I ’ll tell ye some things to do to pass time while 
the wife ’s gone. [Exeunt he and Mr. Baxter.] 

Mrs. Baxter : Now, Julie, you know paw’s apt to fergit, so 
you be sure to see if he locks the back door nights an’ 
winds the clock, an’— 

Julie : Yes, I will, maw, an’ don’t you fergit to take them 
tablets if you feel a spell cornin’ on. 

Enter Mrs. Small. 

Mrs. Small: W’y, how are you, Mrs. Baxter? Looks like 
you ’re goin’ to take a trip. [They sit.] 

Mrs. Baxter*. I’m goin’ to see my sister. 

Mrs. Small: Do tell! That’s real nice. I hope yer folks 
won’t git sick while yer gone. Mis’ Holcom’ went to see 
her brother a while back an’ ev’ry last one o’ ’er folks got 
sick while she was gone. They had to send for ’er to 
come home, fin’lly, an’ they ain’t all well yet. They’s 
a real lot of sickness round now, seems like. I hope you 
don’t git down while yer gone, like Mis’ Darrow when 
she went to visit ’er folks over to Huston. Does seem 
like so many gits sick when they travel. I’m expectin’ 
my sister to come on this train. I hope she don’t git 

I sick while she’s here, but a body can’t never tell. 

Julie : Maw, I don’t feel very good. I feel kind of sick. 
Mrs. Small: There, ain’t that jes’ like things us ’ally hap¬ 
pens? She feels sick jes’ when yer goin’ off to visit. 
Julie: Mebbe I ’ll be all right. 

Enter Mrs. James. 

Mrs. Small: W’y, here comes Mis’ James. How do you 
do? Goin’ for a trip? 




52 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Mrs. James: Yes, jest over to Carter to do some shopping. 
How do you do, Mrs. Baxter? It’s an awful long time 
senee I saw you. Goin ’ off somewheres ? 

Mrs. Baxter : Over to Bumpville to visit my sister. 

Julie: She’s goin’ to stay three weeks. 

Mrs. James: Land sakes, that’s a long time. Who ’s goin’ 
to do the work while yer gone? Kind of hard for Julie, 
ain’t it? 

Julie: Oh, we’ve got a real good hired girl. 

Mrs. James: Dear me, I should think you’d worry ’bout 
leavin’ things to a girl so long—they ’re so dreadful 
wasteful an’ careless. Land sakes, I hope she don’t set 
yer house on fire. An’ did you hear ’bout Mis Heppel? 
Went to Chicago to stay with ’er mother while she got 
operated on, an’ if ’er husban ’ didn’t fall in love with 
the hired girl while she was gone. Wasn’t that the 
limit? You don’t ketch me goin’ off leavin’ my husban’ 
—well, I mus’ hurry an’ git my tickit. [Goes to window 
and buys ticket .] 

Enter Bud. 

Bud: Now, maw, listen here. You be careful ’bout eatin’ 
where you don’t know folks, won’t ye? ’cause the men 
out here was tellin’ ’bout some spies that put poison in 
the grub in a rest’runt an’ made folks awful sick. I ’ll 
look yer baggage over an’ see if it’s all here. [Makes 
fuss trying to count her parcels, etc.] 

Mrs. Baxter [aside]: Oh, dear, dear! I jes’ can’t go off 
an’ leave things. Julie looks sick an’ Sim might—he 
might—I’ve saw that hired girl lookin’ at him like she 
sort of—I’d die if he’d fall in love with ’er! 

Enter Mr. Baxter. 

Mr. Baxter: Wal, maw, it’s ’bout train time. We best 
see if you’ve- got all yer traps, an ’ begin to say good-bye. 





FOR CHILDREN 


53 


An’ don’t you worry ’bout us. Katie’s a fine hired girl 
an ’ she ’ll take good care of us, an ’— 

Mrs. Baxter [aside] : Oh, she will, will she? Wal, I ’ll be 
there to watch ’er do it. [To Mr. Baxter.] Paw, I’m 
jes’ awful sorry, but I’m took with one of my spells— 
I kin feel it—at least I feel jes’ awful, an’ I can’t pos¬ 
sibly go to-day. You send a telygram to my sister while 
we git my things carried out to the buggy. 

Mr. Baxter: But—w’y—now, maw, I— 

Mrs. Baxter [weakly] : Hurry, if ye don’t want me to be 
took sick ’fore I can git home to bed. [She and the chil¬ 
dren pick up packages and go out while Mr. Baxter 
goes to window to send telegram.] 

CURTAIN 


MEETING OF THE MINSTRELS 

Characters 

Sambo, Pete, George Washington Johnson, Rastus, 
Old Black Joe. 

Dinah, Mollie, Em ’line, Topsy, Lizy. 

Costumes: Each one has face and hands blackened and wears 
comical negro garb, with big shoes, bright colors, and an. 
attempt at style. Dinah dresses as an old woman with 
head done up in red bandana; Joe wears long, ill-fitting 
coat, a tight black cap made of a stocking-leg, and has 
snow-white hair protruding from the cap (white crepe 
paper will make the hair), and uses a heavy cane to walk 
with; Topsy has hair done up in knobs all.over her head, 
each tied with bright calico, and has a very short dress, 
with stockings of different colors, dressing as a little girl; 







54 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Mollie, Lizy and Em’line dress as young ladies, with 
much style and many colors; Pete is a little hoy with 
ragged clothes; the other three hoys dress as young men. 
Each person carries a handkerchief made of bright calico, 
some large, others small. 

Discovered, Pete. 

Pete: Oh, landy, I’se done gotted here the firstus of any¬ 
bodies to de concert. Ain’t dat a joke? [Kicks up 
heels, then turns a somersault.] 

Topsy runs on quickly. 

Topsy: Say, you, I kin do dat jes’ as good as you-all kin. 
Wants to see me? [Bends over as if getting ready to 
turn somersault.] 

Dinah, running on quickly. 

Dinah [catching Topsy and making her stand up] : Heah, 
you gal, doan you knows dat hain’t nice fer gals to do? 
[Shakes finger at her.] Doan you nebber let me see you 
a-tryin’ ter do de likes ob dat no moah. 

Enter Sambo and Em ’line. 

Sambo : It suttingly do gib me monstrous ’mount ob gratif y- 
in’ pleasure, Miss Em’line, to see youse lookin’ so moughty 
scrumptacious foah dis heah concert we’s gwine gib. 

Em ’line: Tank youse kindly, Mistah Sambo. I done bin 
glad you-all is gratified. 

Enter Rastus and George Washington Johnson. 

George Washington Johnson: Good ebenin’, ladies an’ 
gents. I hopes dat we hain’t made de mortyfyin’ mis¬ 
take ob bein’ late foah dis heah elegantibus concert. 

Dinah: Not de teentyest bit, Mistah George Washington 
Johnson, so doan you-all do no flabbergasted worryin. ’ 







FOR CHILDREN 


55 


Enter Mollie and Lizy. 

Lizy: Wal, heah we is, ready an’ willin’ fer de concert. I 
s’pecs it’s gwine to be some swell an’ splendiferous 
affair. 

Rastus : It suah be, Miss Lizy, seein’ as how you is heah. 

Pete: Wal, lis’en heah! Le’s begin an’ perceed to start. 

Topsy : Dat’s wat I says. Le’s begin ter start an ’ perceed 
to c’mence. 

Sambo: Ladies an’ gents, we-all gwine start dis magnificen- 
tious concert by singin’ “De 01’ Wooden Buckit,” a 
song w’ich I made up out my own head. 

Pete: An’ w’en youse got dat outen yer head I bets dar 
was wood nuff left ter make a bedstid. Ho — ho — ho? 

Sambo: Say, you scallawaggitv little impy, you git outen 
heah. 

Pete : Not much, mistah, I ’se gwine be in dis concertiny. 

Mollie: Wal, le’s start ter begin ter c’mence ter perceed. 

Rastus: Everbody ready now ter sing “ De 01’ Wooden 
Buckit.” 

Em ’line: Say, George Washington Johnson, be dat true 

w ’ich I heerd, as how you-all bin arrested over to- 

[name near-by town] fer carryin’ concealed weepins? 

George Washington Johnson [proudly]: Suah, I were 
a-carryin’ a raiser. 

Mollie: Landy-sakes, a razor? 

George Washington Johnson: Yep, I were a-carryin’ a 
package of yeast cakes an ’ de cop pulled me fer carryin ’ 
a raiser. [All laugh.] 

Topsy : Say, lis ’en heah, dat ol ’ wooden buckit hain’t gwine 
wait all day fer youse folks. 

George Washington Johnson : Ready ter sing, all togeddy 
now, on “ De 01’ Wooden Buckit.” 

Mollie: Oh, say, Dinah, I heerd as how you husban’ bin 
sick. 





56 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Dinah : Dat true, Miss Mollie, he dreatful an ’ extraceedin ’lv 
sick wif de exclamatory rheumatiz. 

Lizy : W’y, suah, Dinah, you doan mean exclamatory—dat 
means ter make a big noise. 

Dinah: Yes, Miss Lizy, dat’s de kin’ he-all got — he makes* 
so much noise all de neighbors kin hear ’im a-groanin’. 
It’s exclamatory rheumatiz. 

Lizy : Dat shooly bin too bad. 

Topsy [dancing around] : Ef we hain’t gwine sing “De 01’ 
Wooden Buckit ” Ise gwine go git it ter sit on — Ise git- 
tin’ tired standin’. 

Sambo : All ready ter sing. 

[Each pulls out colored handkerchief, wipes face. blows 
nose , clears throat , etc. Hold handkerchiefs in hands 
while singing.] 

All [sing] : 

Tune : The Old Oaken Bucket. 

De ol’ wooden bnckit we ust fer to sit on, 

When turned upside-down den it made a good chair, 

Oh, menny’s de time my ol ’ pappy sat on it, 

It stood by de chimbly but now it hain’t dar. 

De ol’ wooden buckit, oh, now it’s all busted, 

De reason fer why unto you I will tell— 

Pap threw it at mammy; he threw it an’ missed ’er; 

It broke all ter pieces when ker-slam it fell. 

De ol’ wooden buckit, de good ol’ pine buckit, 

Pap threw it at mam, an’ it busted ker-slam. 

Topsy [with face in handkerchief] : Oh, boo — hoo — hoo — 
hoo — hoo! 

Em ’line : Now w’at’s de matter wid you, Topsy ? 

Topsy: Oh, I jes’ finkin’ how tur’ble it would bin ef de ol’ 
buckit hed hit mammy. [Weeps aloud and all others put 
handkerchiefs over faces and moan.] 


FOR CHILDREN 57 

Sambo: These matermonial troubles is suttiny monstracious 
sad. Mammy Dinah, do you an ’ youse husban ’ agree ? 
Dinah: Puffictly, Mistah Sambo — Ise willin’ to do de work 
an ’ he’s willin ’ I should, so we agrees. 

Lizy : Topsy, gal, can’t you sing us a song ? 

Topsy : Wal, I reckon I mought screech a little. [Sings,] 

Tune: Auld Lang Syne 

I is a little cullerd gal, 

An’ Topsy is my name; 

I nevah had no bringin’ up, 

But I gits dar jes ’ de same. 

[Topsy dances around on one foot, and then the other, while 
the rest of the children sing the chorus, some keeping 
time with their feet and others clapping their hands.] 

Chorus : 

Oh, Topsy, honey gal, 

Youse black as fate, 

You needs a lickin’ eb’ry day 
To keep you straight. 

01’ Mose he say dis Topsy gal 
She don’t got any brains; 

Hain’t bin to school, but I knows nuff 
To go in when it rains. 

[Others sing the chorus as before.] 
Pete : Say, Topsy, you am a peach. 

Topsy: Oh, go long now, you Pete. You hain’t nebber 
done seen no peach with a black skin. 

Em ’line: Le’s sing de nex’song. 

Rastus: Suah, dat’s w’at I suggestions too. 

Sambo: Ev’rybody’s ready together, an’ all to wunst. 

[All sing •] 



58 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


From 11 Old Black Joe.” 

Why do I weep when my heart should feel no pain? 

[All wipe eyes and sigh] 

Why do I sigh that my friends come not again, 

Grieving for forms now departed long ago, 

I hear their gentle voices calling, 

“Old Black Joe.” 


Dinah [calling] : Joe, oh Joe! 

George Washington Johnson: Joe, you ol’ Joe, where you 
keepin’ you ’self ? 

Pete [loudly]: Oh, Joe. Oh, Joe. 

Joe [off stage] : Ise cornin’; Ise coinin’ fas’ as I kin. 

Enter Old Black Joe. 

Joe [walking slowly with aid of cane to center of stage] : Ise 
cornin’, Ise cornin’; but ol’ black Joe kain’t move berry 
swif’-like. 

[All y standing around Joe, sing the chorus:] 

I ’m coming, I ’m coming, 

For my head is bending low; 

I hear those gentle voices calling, 

“ Old Black Joe.” 

Mollie: Say, Mars Joe, you mus’ be exceeding-much old. 

You mus’ be one dem octergenariums, I specs. 

Joe: No, Ise jes’ plain Methydist, Miss Mollie—dat’s good 
nuff fer ol’ black Joe. 

George Washington Johnson: Le’s hab de nex’ song. 

[All sing—tune as before.] 

Out in de fields dar de watermillions grow, 

Dey are de bes’ fruit dat cul’lud folkses know; 

Oh, how dey shines a-rip’nin’ in de sun, 

I hear dem ’millions callin’ me to come git one. 


FOR CHILDREN 


59 


Ise comiIl , 

[Pete and Topsy run out.) 

Ise cornin' 

[Sambo, Rastus, Lizy and Mollie hurry off.) 
For I hears you callin' low; 

[George Washington Johnson and Em 'line exeunt.) 
I hears dose watermillions callin , , 

[Joe sings alone]: OP Black Joe. 

[Limps out as fast as possible.) 

CURTAIN 


MISS BETSY’S BURGLAR 

Characters 

Miss Betsy Botkin. 

Cal Crook, a burglar . 

Scene: Miss Betsy’s sitting room. 

Have the stage dark while this is given. At back of stage 
have a desk or small table with books, boxes, etc. At 
side of stage have another table with more boxes, a jewel 
case, and a clock. At back have a high-backed rocker 
with a shawl thrown over the back so the burglar can 
hide behind it and not be seen. If possible have a flash¬ 
light for Cal to carry. If none can be obtained, let 
him carry a small lantern with heavy black cloth fastened 
over one side, so that a light is thrown from one side 
only. Cal wears a slouchy suit, a soft felt hat pulled 
well on his head, and a small black cloth mask over his 
eyes . Miss Betsy should be tall and well-padded to 


60 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


make her large; she wears a white nightcap tied with 
strings under her chin , and a long, big white nightgown. 
Get some shoemaker’s wax [black] and cover over two 
or three front teeth to make it look as if they were gone. 
She carries an old-fashioned candlestick with lighted 
candle. Cal has a long old pistol or revolver. 

Enter Cal, slinking in cautiously with lantern and pistol. 

Cal [looking about] : I oughta make a haul here to-night. 
De ol’ maid hes jes’ sol’ some land an’ oughta have some 
dough hid sumwheres ’roun’. [Listens.] She’s gone ter 
bed all right so’s I ’ll hev plenty time to look ’roun ’. Gee, 
I wisht I’d find ’bout five t’ousan’ doller ’roun’ here— 
that’d be sumthin’ worth while. [Begins to hunt, opening 
boxes , looking through the leaves of books, etc. He hunts 
on table at side of stage first, laying his pistol down 
there; then goes to table at the back, leaving weapon 
on first table.] Holy smoke, it soun’s like somebody’s 
cornin’. [Listens.] Ther be, sure’s yer born. [He cov¬ 
ers lantern with his coat and jumps behind the high 
rocker.] 

Enter Miss Betsy, carrying candle. 

Miss Betsy: I was jes’ ready to slip off ter sleep when I 
happened to remember I forgot to wind the clock, an’ 
as I hain’t gone to bed on Sataday nights without windin ’ 
that clock fer twenty year, I jes’ decided to git up an’ 
wind it as us’al. [Goes to table at side.] I dunno what 
this ol’ clock’d think at not bein’ wound up on Sataday 
night. [Sets candle down.] Gracious! Who’s bin 
mussin’ things up on this here table? Looks like some¬ 
body ’s bin snoopin ’ here. For the love o ’ Pete—what’s 
this? [Holds up pistol.] Now who left this layin’ here? 
Wal, wal, looks like somebody wants ter rob me — a 
poor ol’ maid like me. Good thing I put that four 


FOR CHILDREN 


61 


thousan’ dollers in the bank yisterday. Wal, wal, good 
thing I hain’t ’fraid o’ no man, dead er livin’. [Keeps 
pistol in her hand.] Now where do yon s’pose the man 
is that belongs to this? [Begins to look around, under 
tables, etc.; then looks back of rocker and finds Cal.] 
Wal, wal, how do you do? Come up an’ le’s see what 
you look like. [Takes him by the shoulder and helps him 
to rise.] Set down there an’ be sociabul. [Pushes him 
into rocker and points pistol at him.] I hope you ’ll 
excuse my appearance, young man, I wa’n’t expectin’ 
company. 

Cal [nervously] : Don’t — don’t point that— : this way — 
ma’am — it’s loaded. [Aside.] W’at a fool I was to 
lay it down! 

Miss Betsy: Yes, I noticed it’s loaded, an’ I know how to 
use it—uster shoot sparrows an’ sech with one o’ these; 
an’ say, I got so smart with one that I could stan’ on 
the back steps an’ shoot a pertater bug out in the gardin. 
[Points it.] Say, I ’ll bet I could easy hit you right 
between the eyes. 

Cal [dodging] : Fer heavin’s sake, ma’am, point it t’other 
way — it goes off dreatful easy. 

Miss Betsy: Yes, I s’pose it does. Say, what you doin’ 
here? 

Cal: I — I — wanted — some money. 

Miss Betsy: Oh, ye did, huh? Wal, mebbe I kin help ye a 
bit. [Goes to a large bag hanging on wall, takes out an 
old pocketbook, hunts through it, and finds a dime.] Now, 
here’s a dime that I ’ll give ye — jes’ as soon’s not. Yer 
puffictly welcome to it. [Gives him dime with left hand, 
holding pistol with right pointed at Cal. Tie isn’t going 
to take dime.] Take it, young feller, an’ don’t say I 
wan’t willin’ ter help ye. [Cal takes dime.] 

Cal: Thank ye, ma’am. [Aside.] Holy mackerel — a 
whole dime! What a fool I be. 



62 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Miss Betsy : Hev ye bin followin 1 this bizniss very long, 
young man ? 

Cal: No, ma’am, I ’m sorta new at it — that ’s w’y I f ergot 
an’ laid my gun down. 

Miss Betsy: Wal, I reckoned you was pritty green to do 
that. What you goin’ ter do now? 

Cal: Wal, ma’am, if you ’ll give me my gun I ’ll get outer 
here so quick ye won’t hardly see me a-goin\ 

Miss Betsy : Is that so ? Real smart idee, young man. Now 
I ’ll tell ye a better plan. I ’ll keep this here plaything 
jes’ ter hev it handy, an’ you scoot outer here without 
it, an’ don’t ye never come back. Nex’ time I ’ll tie ye 
up an’ take ye to the sheriff so quick ye ’ll hardly feel 
yerself goin’. 

Cal: Yes, ma’am; jes’ as you say, ma’am. 

Miss Betsy : I ’ve got an awful good mind ter give ye a 
spankin’ ’fore ye go, but seein’ I feel sort o’ sorry for ye, 
I ’ll wait till nex’ time. 

Cal: There hain’t goin’ ter be no nex’ time, ma’am. 

Miss Betsy : All right — that suits me. Now scoot. [Keeps 
pistol pointed at him. He slinks out, and she follows.] 


CURTAIN 


FOR CHILDREN 


63 


WAITING FOR THE DOCTOR 

Characters 

Miss Banks, the nurse. 

Mrs. Biggs, the fat woman. 

Hank, with a lame foot. 

Mrs. White, who recovers. 

Mr. Lowe, who is deaf. 

Mattie, who has a sore hand. 

Tom, who stutters. 

Mrs. Wilson, who gets 'em easy. 

Pete, with a hurry call. 

Mr. Brown, who got mixed. 

Mrs. Hill and her timid daughter , Lovey. 

Scene: A doctor f s waiting room , with chairs across hack and 
along each side. 

Discovered , the Nurse, reading magazine. 

Enter , Mrs. Biggs. 

Mrs. Biggs: I want to see the doctor. I ’ve jes’ bin gittin’ 
fatter an’ fatter, an’ my clothes has got too little, an* it 
takes more an' more cloth to make 'em, an’ I weigh so 
much I git tired a-haulin’ it ’round; so I jes’ told Lem’el 
I ’se goin’ to talk to the doctor an’ see if I can’t git made 
thin. 

Nurse : The doctor is busy now; you will have to wait awhile. 
Be seated, please. [Both s#.] 

Mrs. Biggs : I’m glad to git a chance to set, fer I ’m all 
tuckered out gittin’ here. I’m so fat I git tired awful 
quick. It’s a dreatful bother to be so big. Now you’d 




64 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

never dream I only weighed ninety-eight pounds when I 
got married, would you? 

Nurse : No, indeed. 

Enter Hank, one foot done up in big white cloth. He walks 
with crutch or cane. 

Hank: Is the doctor here? 

Nurse: Yes, but he is busy now; you will have to wait a 
while. Be seated, please. [Hank sits opposite fat 
woman.] 

Mrs. Biggs : My sakes, is they somethin ’ the matter with yer 

foot? „ 

Hank: Yep, a big fat woman stepped on it an’ broke half a 
dozen bones. [Winks at Nurse.] 

Mrs. Biggs: Do tell! Was she much fatter ’n me? 

Hank : Oh, I dunno’s she was quite so big. 

Mrs. Biggs*. Fer mercy sakes! I told Lemuel I was gittin 
awful fat. 

Enter Mrs. White, walking as if half dead. 

Mrs. White [ faintly ] : How-de-do. Is the doctor in? 

[Sinks into chair.] I ’m feelin’ awful poorly. I’ve had 
an attack of pneumony, an’ then I went to a social an’ 
caught influenzy, an’ I’m ’most dead. [Leans back in 
chair.] 

Nurse: The doctor is busy now. You ’ll have to wait. 

Mrs. White [to Hank] : Dear me, have you hurt your foot? 
Hank*. No, marm, I jes’ wear it done up so’s to save leather. 

shoes bein’ so awful high now. [Winks at Mrs. Biggs.] 
Mrs. White: Quite an idee. I hope I can see the doctor 
soon — I’m all worn out. [Closes eyes.] 

Mrs. Biggs: Wal, ma’am, s’pose you was like me. 

Mrs. White [looking at Mrs. Biggs, then closing eyes again ]: 

My, how big an’ strong you look — I’m dreatful thin. 
Mrs. Biggs [indignantly] : Wal, I hain’t well an’ strong— 




FOR CHILDREN 


65 


if I be fat. W’y, I’m jes’ mis'abut carrying’ all this 
fat round. You hain’t the only ailin’ one. 

Enter Mattie, with hand done up in cloth. 

Mattie [smiling on all ] : Hello. I bet you don’t know what 
I want. 

Nurse : I think you want to see the doctor. 

Mattie : W ’y, how’d you know ? Say, I bet you don’t know 
what’s the matter with my hand. 

Hank: I bet the cat scratched it. 

Mattie: Nope — I was sewin’ on ma’s machine, an’, what 
you s’pose? the needle went right through my finger. 
Was n’t that the limit ? 

Mrs. Biggs : You shouldn’t be usin’ yer ma’s machine. You ’ll 
hurt it. 

Mattie : No sech a thing—it was my finger got hint. I 
yelled awful, an’ ma’s bin docterin’ it with tapintine, 
an’ now she’s sent me over fer the doc to see if it got 
any — any — them awful things in it. 

Nurse : Germs that cause infection ? 

Mattie: I guess so. [To Hank.] Gee, what’s the mattei 
with yer foot? Is it hurt? 

Hank : Nope, but they was a girl asked so many questions 
my foot got so tired of hearin’ ’em I had to wrap it up. 

[Nurse leaves room .] 

Mattie: Silly, you don’t hear with yer feet! [Sits by Mrs. 
White.] Are you sick, ma’am? 

Mrs. White [eyds closed] : All worn out I m afraid 
won’t last long. 

Mattie: Then I s’pose they ’ll bury you. 

Mrs. White [wiping eyes ] : Ye — es. 

Mattie: Oh, an’ then pretty soon yer husban’ will git a 
new wife —that’s the way Mr. Shaw did that lives by 
us an’ she’s awful swell an’ he’s had to buy ’er three 
silk dresses a’ready, an’ she made ’im git a naughtymo- 



66 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


bile, an’ ma says she thinks Mis’ Shaw — that died — 
would raise in ’er grave. 

Mrs. White [sitting up straight ] : Humph, if I thought Wil¬ 
liam would do that I’d— 

Mrs. Biggs: Oh, most all the men do that way. {£%&?.] 

Mrs. White: W’y, I’ve never had a silk dress in my life. 
If I thought — 

Mattie: Say, you better git well an’ make ’im buy one. 
You bet I would. 

Mrs. White: I jes’ believe I ’ll go an’ look at silks an’ git 
some samples fer William to see. I feel better now— 
I ’ll see the doctor some other time. [Walks out with a 
quick, firm step.] 

Mrs. Biggs : Now would n’t that kill ye ? 

Enter Nurse. 

Nurse [to Mrs. Biggs] : The doctor will see you now. [She 
and Mrs. Biggs exeunt.] 

Enter Mr. Lowe, with long bright cloth wrapped around his 
head, over ears and under chin, and hat set on top of the 
cloth. 

Mr. Lowe: Is the doctor in? 

Hank : Yep, he’s bus} 7 ". 

Mr. Lowe: What say? 

Hank: He’s busy now — set down an’ wait. 

Mr. Lowe : What’s you say ’bout the gate ? 

Mattie [going over to him and speaking * in a loud voice] : 
The doc is busy — you ’ll have to set down an’ wait. 

Mr. Lowe: Oh! I got an abscess in my head an’ can’t hear 
very good. [Sits.] 

Mattie : I bet you don’t know what ails my hand. 

Mr. Lowe: Yes, it seems to be quite a nice day; only it 
seems a little like rain. 

Mattie : But I bet you don’t know how I hurt it. 


FOR CHILDREN • 67 

Mr. Lowe : No, I don’t live in town — out a ways in the 
country. 

Hank: Keep on, kid, an’ mebbe he ’ll catch ont’ yer hand 
next week. [Mattie crosses and sits.] 

Mr. Lowe [to Hank] : Looks like somethin’ ’s the matter 
with yer foot. *Did you hurt it? 

Hank: Yep, got it smashed. 

Mr. Lowe : What say ? 

Hank : Log o’ wood fell on it an’ broke the bone. 

Mr. Lowe: An’ is it a real bad burn? 

Mattie [ giggles ] : Keep on, kid. mebbe he ’ll catch ont’ yer 
foot next week. 

Enter Mrs. Hill and Lovey. 

Mrs. Hill : Is the doctor in ? 

Hank: He ’s busy. You ’ll haf to wait. [Mrs. Hill sits.] 

Mrs. Hill : Come sit here, Lovey. We ’ll see the doctor 
soon. 

Lovey : I don’ wanter see the doctor — he ’ll hurt me. [Sits.] 

Mrs. Hill: No, honest he won’t, dearie. 

Lovey: He will, too. [Louder.] He will too. Boo — hoo 
— hoo — I wanter go home. 

Mrs. Hill: Now don’t be naughty. See the girl with 'er 
hand all done up. 

Lovey: I don’t wanter see ’er. Boo — hoo — hoo —hoo. 

Mattie: I bet you don’t know how I done this. [Holds out 
hand to Lovey.] It hurt awful. 

Lovey: An’ the doctor ’ll hurt me, too. I wanter go home. 
Boo — hoo —hoo. 

Mrs. Hill: Now, the doctor is a nice man — he isn’t going 
to hurt you a bit. We ’ll just let him look at your throat, 
an’— 

Lovey: He shan’t see my throat! Boo — hoo — hoo — hoo. 

Mrs. Hill: Oh, see the poor boy, with his foot done up, 




68 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Lovey! Is n’t that too bad! [To Hank.] Did you hurt 
yer foot? 

Hank: Nope—jes’ wrapped it up fer fun to keep it warm. 

Enter Nurse. 

Nurse [to Hank] : The doctor will see you now. [Sits.] 

Mattie : I bet all that ails yer foot is you’ve got a corn 
from wearin’ tight shoes. 

Hank: Nope, I got pneumony in it. [Exit.] 

Mrs. Hill [to Nurse] : May I see the doctor soon? 

Lovey : I don ’ wanter see the horrid ol ’ doctor — so! Boo — 
hoo — hoo. 

Mrs. Hill : Now, don’t cry an’ I ’ll git you — 

Lovey : I don’t want it — so! 

Enter Mrs. Wilson. 

Mrs. Wilson: Is’pose the doctor’s busy. Always do have 
to wait when I come here. 

Nurse: Yes, he’s busy. Have a seat please. [Mrs. Wilson 
sits.] 

Mrs. Wilson: I want to see the doctor ’cause I feel jes’ like 
I’ve got heart trouble. 

Nurse: Why, when you were here last week I thought you 
had liver trouble. 

Mrs. Wilson : But I take things so easy. My cousin’s been 
here visitin’ an’ she has heart trouble, an’ I guess I 
sort of caught it, for seems like I’ve had heart trouble 
all this week. Seems like I get any sickness anybody 
else has — I git ’em awful easy. 

Mattie : I bet you don’t know how I hurt my hand. I was 
sewin’ on ma’s machine an’ run the needle through my 
finger. It hurt awful. 

Mrs. Wilson: Dear me. [Rubs finger.] It makes my finger 
hurt to hear of it. Don’t say any more ’bout it or I ’ll 
have a sore finger — I take things so easy. 



FOR CHILDREN 69 

Mr. Lowe [to Nurse]: Can’t I see the doctor soon? My 
head hurts. 

Nurse: In a few minutes, I think; but you must wait your 
turn. 

Mr. Lowe : No, I don’t think it’s worse to-day; but it aches 
dreadful. 

Mattie [cheerfully] : He’s deaf — you’ll jest have to holler 
at ’im. 

Enter Tom. 

Tom : I want to see the d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-doc-ter. 

Nurse: He’s busy now. You — 

Tom: Well, I g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-got to t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tell — 

Nurse : He’s busy now. Be seated, please. 

Tom: Yes, but I w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-want to — 

Mrs. Wilson : Land sakes, if he don’t stop talkin ’ I ’ll start 
to s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-saying things that way. I take up trou¬ 
bles like that awful easy. He ’ll have me st-st-st-st-st- 
stammering in no time. [Exit Nurse.] 

Mattie [to Tom] : Say, I bet you don’t know what ails my 
hand. 

Tom : Say, I w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wish you would — 

Nurse : Doctor will see the next patient, 

Mattie [yelling at Mr. Lowe] : You go next — I ’ll wait. 

[Exit Lowe.] 

Mrs. Hill: It’ll soon be your turn, Lovey, and you will 
have to — 

Lovey : I won’t go. I’m ’fraid of doctors. He ’ll hurt me, 
boo—hoo—hoo. 

Mrs. Wilson : Oh, dear, I wish she would n’t do that. She ’ll 
make me nervous myself ’bout seein’ him. W’y, I hate 
to face ’im after hearin’ ’er. I’m ’f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fraid. 
An’ my finger feels funny yet. [Scowls at Mattie.] 

Mattie: An’ I bet if you’d got here sooner you’d got fat 
like the fat woman was. [Giggles.] 




70 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Enter Pete. 

Pete : Say, I want to see the doc. We want ’im to come to 
our house quick. 

Nurse: This is office hour — he can’t come till later. 

Pete : But say, we can’t wait. Paw’s got to laughin ’ an ’ 
can’t stop, an doc’s got to stop ’im. 

Nurse: What made your father laugh? 

Pete : Maw got ’er tongue caught in the clothes wringer an ’ 
paw laughed so’s he can’t stop. 

Mrs. Wilson: Oh, that makes me feel jes’ like laughin.’ 
[Laughs.] 

Nurse: You better get another doctor. 

Pete: All right. [Runs out.] 

Enter Mr. Brown. 

Brown : I’d like to see the doctor quick. 

Nurse : He ’s busy now and — 

Brown: But poor old Jerry is awful sick. We’ve tied one 
foot down, an’ tied his nose up, an’ give ’im hot bran to 
eat, but — 

Mrs. Wilson : What an awful way to treat a man. You 
should be ashamed. 

Brown : Man — who said anything ’bout a man? Ain’t this 
Winton, the horse doctor ? 

Nurse : No; this is Dr. WILTON. 

Brown: Oh, my mistake! [Hurries out.] 

Tom : I wish you’d 1-1-1-1-l-l-l-l-let me t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tell 
the — 

Nurse : It’s against the rules. 

Mrs. Wilson: I know I ’ll st-st-st-st-st-stutter now—I take 
things so easy. 

Lovey: Ma, I want to go home. I don’t want to see the 
doctor. I’m ’fraid. I’m scairt — boo — hoo — hoo — 
hoo. 


FOR CHILDREN 


71 


Mattie : I think it’s fun. I bet he ’ll find Germany in my 
finger. 

Nurse: You mean germs. 

Mattie: Yes, I guess so. 

Tom: Say, there’s a cr-cr-cr-cr-cr-cr-cr-cr-crazy man out 
here an ’ the doctor’s g-g-g-g-g-g-got to — 

Nurse : Crazy man ? Why did n’t you say so ? [Hurries to 
doctor’s room.] 

Mattie: Crazy man? Gee, I want to see ’im. [Runs out.] 
Lovey : Ma, I ’fraid of ’im. Boo — hoo — hoo. 

Mrs. Wilson: Oh, I ’m afraid I ’ll go crazy — I take things 
so easy. 

[All hurry out, Mrs. Hill last, pulling Lovey, who cries.] 

CURTAIN 


ALL ’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL 

Characters 

Aunt Melviny, an old maid. 

Alma, her niece. 

Mr. Tugger, a bachelor. 

Tom Walker, a young man. 

Scene: Miss Melviny’s living-room. 

Discovered, Alma. 

Alma: Oh, dear, I wish Aunt Melviny wasn’t such an old 
maid. She has always seemed to think men are dreadful 
creatures; but they ’re not, I’m sure, because Tom is 



72 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


just lovely. He is a nice young man and will make a 
good hus —that is, he is good and steady and I’m not 
going to give him up just because Aunt Melviny doesn’t 
like men. If she knew I was going with him I s’pose 
she’d make an awful fuss, so I have to be careful not to 
let her know. I ’ve got to slip out some way to-night to 
go to the picture show with him. [Sits.] 

Enter Miss Melviny. 

Miss Melviny : It seems to me, Alma, at the social the other 
night that young Tom Walker seemed to be dreadful 
attentive to you. 

Alma [aside] : Oh, I mustn’t let her find out he likes me, or 
she ’ll spoil everything. [To Miss Melviny.] Oh, I 
guess not! Lou Wilson likes him, and what do I care 
about a tiresome fellow! Why shouldn’t I be happy 
and single like you? 

Miss Melviny: Yes, sure — very proper, indeed. But I — 

Alma: Oh, don’t you worry a bit, Aunt Melviny. You 
need n’t be afraid I ’ll take up with any good-for-nothing 
man. [Aside.] Tom isn’t that kind; he’s fine. Oh, 
I’m afraid she suspects! [To Miss Melviny.] By the 
way, Aunt Melviny, you don’t care if I go to the library 
this evening, do you? There is a continued story in one 
of the magazines — 

Miss Melviny: Oh, go, of course. It will do you good to 
get out. 

Alma: Oh, thank you — and don’t worry if I’m a little 
late — the story is real long. 

Miss Melviny: Don’t hurry — I won’t mind. 

Alma: What a nice aunt you are! [Exit.] 

Miss Melviny : Oh, dear, how glad I am she’s going out to¬ 
night. Mr. Tugger is coming over, and I didn’t know 
how I’d get rid of her. [Sighs.] He’s such a splendid 
man, but Alma speaks so slightingly of men I don’t dare 




FOR CHILDREN 


73 


tell her that he wants me to — that we are — going to — 
at least he has asked me to — marry him. I thought 
maybe she fancied Tom Walker, and that would give 
me courage to tell her about dear Mr. Tugger; but she 
seems to think men are horrible — the foolish girl. [Wipes 
eyes.] What will she say when she finds out? I hope 
she gets away before he comes. [Exit.] 

Enter Alma. 

Alma: I think it is about time for me to start. Tom is 
to wait for me at the corner. What would Aunt Melviny 
say if she knew ? Guess I 11 put on my wraps. 

[ Starts to leave, then stops and listens.] Why, who is 
that opening the front door so softly? Oh, we are go¬ 
ing to be robbed — I know we are. Several houses have 
been robbed lately — some of them in broad daylight. 
I 11 hide and scare him. 

[Runs softly to table at side of room and snatches up 
a glass bottle with a cork in — bottle should be thin 
glass — and then pulls a rocking chair to side of 
room and crouches down back of it.] 

Enter Mr. Tugger. 

Mr. Tugger: Ah, no one here. How fortunate. I 11 have 
time to get that ring before Miss Melviny comes in; but 
I must hurry. I don 1 want her to catch me. 

[Goes softly to table and opens a small jewel box sitting 
there. Holds up a ring and looks at it. Alma peeks 
up over back of chair at other side of room, and, 
taking aim, throws the bottle so it strikes the wall 
near him and breaks with a loud crash.] 

Mr. Tugger [falling to floor, waving arms, and kicking with 
feet] : Oh, oh, help, I’m shot, I In killed—help, fire, 
robbers, murderers! [Groans loudly.] I’m shot. 





74 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Enter Miss Melviny. 

Miss Melviny : What has happened ? Oh, thieves, robbers! 

[Screams.] 

Alma : Run get a rope, quick, Aunt Melviny, and we ’ll tie 
him before he gets up. 

Mr. Tugger [jumping up] : No, you won’t. Who shot me? 

Miss Melviny [screams] : Oh, Jason—Mr. Tugger—what 
does this mean? [Runs to him.] Are you hurt? 

Mr. Tugger [feeling of himself] : I’m shot, I tell you. 

Alma : No, he is n’t, Aunt Melviny, but he was going to steal 
your ring and I scared him. He is a robber. 

Mr. Tugger : I’m not, young lady. 

Miss Melviny : I should say he is n’t. How dare you say so ? 
Oh, dear Jason, are you hurt? 

Enter Tom Walker. 

Tom : Excuse me, I was passing by and I heard screams as 
if for help and I wondered if I— if you needed me. [To 
Alma.] Is anything the matter? 

Mr. Tugger: Matter enough. This young woman tried to 
kill me — to scare me to death. I was just going to try 
on Miss Melviny’s ring to see what size I needed to get 
her, when— 

Alma : To get for Aunt Melviny ? 

Mr. Tugger: Sure! I ’m up-to-date. Don’t you s’pose I’m 
going to give her an engagement ring? [Proudly.] 
We’re going to be married. [Takes Miss Melviny’s 
hand.] I’m Mr. Tugger. [Bows to Alma.] 

Tom : Hurrah for you, Mr. Hugger. We ’re going to be 
married, too. [Takes Alma’s hand.] 

Mr. Tugger: My name isn’t Mr. Hugger, but I can. [Puts 
his arm around Miss Melviny,] 

Miss Melviny: Oh, please don’t be angry, Alma. Mr. Tug¬ 
ger is very nice. 







FOR CHILDREN 


75 


Alma: Angry 1 I’m perfectly delighted! You won’t mind 
about Tom, will you? 

Mr. Tugger [happily] : We ’ll have a double wedding. 

CURTAIN 


MRS. PAXTON’S PARTY 


Characters 


Mrs. Tubbs and Willie 
Mrs. Green and Ivy 
Sim Sweet and his bride 
Miss Pickle, an old maid 
Mrs. Paxton 


Mr. and Mrs. Doan 
Grandpa Whittle 
Grandma Brown 
Nora, maid of ceremonies 
Mr. Easy, a farmer 


Costumes 

All characters dress in quaint, comical attire. Willie 
should be a large fat boy who wears short trousers, a short 
waist , a large sailor collar, and big bow. Ivy should be a tall 
girl with short dress, little old-fashioned apron, hair down 
back with large bow, arid a little hat a number of years too 
young for her. Sim acts very bashful, and his bride is arrayed 
in bright colors and a lot of white, with short white cotton 
gloves. Miss Pickle has regular old maid costume. Mrs. 
Paxton wears hair down over ears and twisted in knot at 
back of head, an old-fashioned dress with some style, and a 
bright ribbon around her neck. Mrs. Doan is a small girl 
dressed as a woman, while Mr. Doan is a tall boy well-padded 
to give him size—the contrast between them (he large and she 
small) being very marked. Grandpa has white hair, white 
beard, and walks with cane; Grandma wears black dress with 
white collar and cuffs; has hair powdered , and wears glasses 


76 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


and a black lace cap ; Nora dresses with all style possible; gay 
dress, ribbons, lace and jewelry. Mr. Easy has chin whiskers, 
linen duster, boots, and slouch hat. Part of the guests bring 
gifts to the party. 

A large easy chair for Mrs. Paxton is at center of stage: 
chairs for the others are along back and sides. Table for gifts 
is near the front. 


Discovered, Mrs. Paxton. 

Mrs. Paxton : I’ve got to leave this nice ol ’ house—the 
house where I’ve lived all my life. Paw he alius ’llowed 
he’s goin ’ to leave it ter me; but sence he died we can’t 
find no trace, not a hide ner hair of the will, an’ so I’ve 
got ter move an’ the place’s goin’ ter be sold. Hain’t 
that too bad? [Wipes eyes.] Ef I could jes’ find that 
will I know the place’d be mine. Wal, no use feelin’ 
bad; so I’m givin’ a farewell party to-day to a few o’ my 
neighbors an’ frien’s. Nora Jones, she’s goin’ ter act as 
maid o’ cerymonies an’ show folks in like they do in 
novels an’ it’s goin’ to be real fine. 

Enter Nora. 

Nora: Wal, I come early so’s to see if ev’rything’s all ship 
shape an’ proper. [Looks around.] We oughter have a 
bouquet on this table to sorter give style. [Looks out.] 
Now hain’t that nice ? Here comes Miss Pickle, an ’ she’s 
got some posies. Now you set down an’ let me do things 
up jes’ right. 

[Mrs. Paxton sits in easy chair; Nora goes to door.] 
Enter Miss Pickle. 

Nora [bowing] : Allow me ter interdooce Miss Pickle, from 
two houses down the street. [Mrs. Paxton rises and bows 
low; Miss Pickle goes forward and shakes hands.] 



FOR CHILDREN 


77 


Miss Pickle: How do you do, Mis’ Paxton? I think this is 
just perfectly sweet and lovely in you to give a party an’ 

I’ve brought you a nice present of these sweet and lovely 
flowers. [Gives them,.] 

Mrs. Paxton : Now hain ’t them beauties ? Nory, you git that 
vase out the t'other room, the one Mis’ Shaw gimme ’fore 
she died that time she was so sick, an’ put these in it here 
on the table. 

[Nora puts flowers on table. Miss Pickle site.] 

Miss Pickle: An’ how be you bearin’ up under yer trouble, 
Mis’ Paxton? It mus’ be jus’ simply terrible an’ dread¬ 
ful to have to move. 

Mrs. Paxton : Nobody knows how turrible ’t is, bein’ ’s I ’ve 
lived here, girl an’ woman, all my life. [Wipes eyes.] 
But I hain’t the one ter complain ef it has ter be. 

Miss Pickle : How perfectly sweet an’ lovely of you. [Knock.] 

Enter Mrs. Green and Ivy. 

Nora [boicing] : Allow me ter interdooce Mrs. Green, from 
across the street, an’ her little girl, Ivy. [Aside.] I don t 
see what she brought that naughty little imp for. 

Mrs. Green [going forward to shake hands] : I hope yer well 
Mis’ Paxton. Nice day, ain’t it? Ivy, come shake hands 
with Mis’ Paxton. 

Ivy: Say, lis’en here, maw, what do I have to shake hands 
for? 

Mrs. Green : W’y, to be perlite. [Aside.] Now you be good 
or I won’t buy you that candy. [Ivy shakes hands. They 
sit.] 

Enter Mrs. Tubbs and Willie. 

Nora : Allow me ter interdooce Mrs. Tubbs, who lives on the 
comer, an’ her little boy, Willie. [Aside.] Lan’ sakes. 
I don’t see what she brought that awful boy for. 

Mrs. Tubbs [going forward and shaking hands] : How-de-do, 



78 


HUMOBOUS DIALOGUES 


Mis’ Paxton, I hope I see ye well. Willie, dear, come 
shake hands with Mis’ Paxton. 

Willie: Aw, I don’t like ter shake hands. [Makes face at 
Ivy.] 

Mrs. Tubbs: Now, Willie dear, you promised you ’d be good. 
Come shake hands with Mis ’ Paxton; she’s goin ’ to move 
soon. 

Willie: I don’t care if she is. Maw, I want a cookie. 

Mrs. Tubbs: Now Willie, you must be good. [Goes over and 
whispers so all hear.] I ’ll spank you when we get home 
if you don’t behave. 

Willie*. But you said we ’d have cookies over here. [Mrs. 
Tubbs makes him sit beside her.] 

Miss Pickle [aside] : My, ain’t he awful naughty? If he 
was my boy I’d punish him just terribly and dreadfully. 

Ivy [aside] : I’m lots better ’n he is. [Makes face at 
Willie.] 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Doan. 

Nora [bowing] : Allow me ter interdooce Mr. an’ Mis’ Doan, 
from one house down across the street. 

Mrs. Doan [as they shake hands] : We ’re so sorry you ’re 
goin’ to move—ain’t we, Henry? I said yer one o’ the 
best neighbors we’ve ever had—did n’t I, Henry ? An ’ 
we ’re very glad to come to your party, ain ’t we, Henry ? 
An’ we brought you a little present—give it to ’er, Henry. 
You must use it an’ think of us—mus’n’t she, Henry? 
[He gives package, which Mrs. Paxton opens, revealing 
small cup and saucer.] 

Mrs. Paxton: Now hain’t that pritty? I never s’posed 
you’d gimme a presint. I ’ll think of ye after I’m moved. 
[Wipes eyes.] 

Miss Pickle [aside] : Humph, I don’t believe that cost much. 

[Nora puts it on table.] 

Mr. Doan [as they sit] : It ’s a blame shame you can’t find 




FOR CHILDREN 


79 


that will, Mis’ Paxton. Mebbe if we ’d help ye hunt we’d 
find it. 

Willie: Maw, let me go hunt fer it in the pantry. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Sweet. 

Nora: Allow me ter interdooce Mr. an’ Mis’ Sweet, that's 
jes’ got married an’ ’s movin’ in nex’ door. [Bows and 
takes them to Mrs. Paxton, where they shake hands.] 

Miss Pickle [ sighing ] : Don’t she look romantic an’ per¬ 
fectly dear? 

Mrs. Sweet: We ’re just awful busy, gittin’ unpacked an’ 
settled an’ all, but I says to Sim, says I, we ain’t goin’ 
to miss this, when Mis’ Paxton’s got to move, an’ it’s so 
sad you can’t find the will. 

Mr. Sweet: An’ Mollie here, she’s brought some cookies fer 
a present—some she’s made all ’erself an ’ only married 
two weeks—what you think of that? [Gives plate of 
cookies to Mrs. Paxton.] 

Mrs. Paxton: Now, do tell, don’t them look nice—as good’s 
if I’d made ’em myself. 

Nora [aside] : That ain’t sayin’ they taste good. [Puts plate 
on table.] 

Miss Pickle [aside] : Now ain’t he proud of ’er—how per¬ 
fectly lovely. 

Ivy: Maw, what’s she [pointing] so fixed up for? 

Mrs. Green [aside] : Sh-h-h-h-h-h, ’cause she’s got married. 

Ivy : Will I git married some day ? 

Mrs. Green : Sh-h-h-h-h-h, maybe so, if you ’re good. 

Ivy: Well, I hain’t goin’ to have no homely man like him. 

[Points.] 

Enter Grandpa Whittle. 

Mora : Allow me ter interdooce Gran ’paw Whittle from nex ’ 
house to the corner. [Bows, takes his arm , and escorts 
him to Mrs. Paxton.] 




80 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Grandpa [bowing and shaking hands ] : I’m real glad ter see 
ye. Hope yer feelin’ well. I’m feelin’ tolerb’l spry my¬ 
self, an’ thought I’d come over an’ bring ye a leetle re- 
mimbrance. Awful sorry ’bout that will—awful sorr} r . 

[Gives box of candy.] 

Mrs. Paxton: Now ain’t this nice—I do sure dote on candy, 
an’ it’s dreatful kind in ye to gimme this. Yes, terrible 
shame ’bout the will, hain’t it? [Wipes eyes.] 

Ivy: Oh, maw, will she pass it ’round? 

Willie: Maw, I want some cookies an’ a piece of candy. 

Miss Pickle : My, what perfectly awful, terrible children. 

Mrs. Paxton : We ’ll all have some candy bimeby. [Nora 
puts it on table.] 

Ivy: I ain’t goin’ to wait all day. 

Willie: Maw, can I go home an’ git somethin’ to eat? 

Mrs. Tubbs: No, you sit still an’ be good. 

Enter Grandma Brown. 

Nora: Allow me ter interdooce Gran ’maw Brown, the minis¬ 
ter’s mother. 

Grandma [shaking hands] : Good afternoon, Mis’ Paxton. 
I’m dreatful sorry yer goin’ ter move, an’ I’ve brought 
you a little present. [Gives little package, which Mrs. 
Paxton opens, disclosing handkerchief.] It’s one my 
niece Loretty, she as married Lem Vandusen over to 
Crowville, give me five year ago, an’ I ain’t never carried 
it but onct, an’ that was to Sister Eaton’s fun’ral, an’ I 
thought mebbe I wouldn’t live very long an’ I could jes’ 
as well give it to you. Ain’t it dreatful you can’t find 
that will? 

Mrs. Paxton: Oh, hain’t this nice? I’m awful much 
obleeged an’ I ’ll keep it to remember ye by. Yes, hain’t 
it terrible I can’t find stitch er feather o’ that will? 

Ivy: Maw, can wills fly? 

Mrs. Green : No, ’course not. 


FOR CHILDREN 81 

Ivy: Then what do they have feathers for? Say, why do 
they? 

Grandma [sitting by Willie] : Well, little boy, how be you 
to-day ? 

Willie : I ’m hungry—want some cookies. 

Ivy: I like candy best. [Site and Willie make faces.] 

Enter Mr. Easy. 

Nora : Allow me ter interdooce Mr. Easy, from Easy farm. 

Mr. Easy [shaking hands] : Wal, wal, how be ye, Melviny? 
Heerd ye was gittin ’ turned out yer house an ’ thought I’d 
come in an’ tell ye it’s a blame shame, b’gosh. I’m a 
plagued-taked good mind ter hunt fer that will myself. 
An’ say, I brung ye a few eggs—nice, fresh uns. [Gives 
paper bag.] 

Mrs. Paxton: Now, hain’t that kind in ye, Jason? I’m 
dreatful fond of eggs. [Nora puts bag on table.] 

Mr. Easy: So long sence I ’ve seed folks, guess I ’ll hev ter 
shake hands. How be ye, Gran’maw [shakes hand], an’ 
how’s yer health? How are ye, Mis’ Tubbs? Hope yer 
well as ye look. An’ here’s Willie—I bet you need a 
lickin’. How be ye, Doan, an’ ye too, Mis’ Doan? I hope 
ye keep ’im behavin’. An’ here’s Sim—say, bin gittin’ 
married, ain’t ye? That’s right. This is a mighty nice 
woman ye got—too good fer ye, b’gosh. I ain’t got no 
time fer folks that don’t git married. How are ye, Miss 
Pickle—ye oughter be gittin’ married—blame ef I 
wouldn’t marry ye myself ef I didn’t hev one wife to 
hum. How be ye, Mis’ Green—lan’ sake, is this yer little 
g a l—growin’ up, hain’t she? An’ how be you, Gran’- 
paw? Spry as a chickin, I’ll bet. [Sits.] Wal, this is 
a real nice little party. 

Mr. Doan: Yes, an’ I think we oughter express a vote o’ 
* sorrow to Mis’ Paxton ’cause she’s goin’ to move away 
from her old home. 



82 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Mrs. Doan: Yes, that’s what I said we should do, didn’t I, 
Henry ? 

Grandpa: I think it’s exceedin’ regretterb’l that she’s got 
to move, ’cause she’s bin a first-class neighbor—first-class. 

Grandma: Yes, she’s bin a neighbor good an’ true, an’ done 
jes’ what she oughter do. 

Miss Pickle: Yes, she ain’t never quarreled with me in all 
the years she’s lived by me. 

Mrs. Green : She’s got a kind heart if anybody has. 

Mrs. Tubbs : An’ she’s willin’ to lend anything she’s got in 
’er house. 

Mr. Easy: An’ she’s bin an awful good han’ ef folks was 
sick. 

Mr. Sweet : Everybody ’ll miss ’er somethin ’ awful. 

Mrs. Sweet : But you ’ll still have me, Simmy. 

Mr. Doan: An’ I tell ye, this street’s goin’ to miss ’er 
more ’n we think. 

Mrs. Doan: Yes, I said we would, didn’t I, Henry? 

Mrs. Paxton [hunting at belt for handkerchief] : Oh, I ’m 
jes’ all upsot to have ye talk so nice. I don’t deserve it 
—not a mite. [Hunts at belt.] Where’d I put that 
han’kerchuf? [Pulls paper from belt.] W’y, what’s 
this paper, an’ how’d it git stuck in my belt? [Thinks.] 
W’y, fer goodniss an’ mercy—this is a paper paw gimme 
the day ’fore he died—I remimber I hed this dress on, an ’ 
I fergot all ’bout the note, paw bein’ so sick, an’ here it’s 
bin stuck in this belt all these months. Read it, Nory, an ’ 
see what it says. 

Nora [reading] : “Melviny, you ’ll find my will in the inside 
pocket of the coat in the bottom bureau drawer of my 
room.—Father. ’ ’ 

Mr. Easy: Thar, I ’ll bet you’ve found it, b’gosh! 

Mr. Doan : Say, ain’t that fine if it’s found ? 

Mrs. Doan : I said maybe we’d find it, did n’t I, Henry ? 

Mrs. Paxton : An ’ to think that coat’s bin packed in that 




FOR CHILDREN 83 

drawer with moth balls ever sence paw died. Run see if 
the will’s there, Nory. [Exit Nora.] 

Miss Pickle: Now isn’t that romantic—jes’ like a novel. 

Willie: An’ now let’s have the cookies. 

Ivy: An’ ain’t it time to pass the candy? 

Grandma: It sure is—have a pep’mint. [Hands bag to Ivy.] 

Ivy: Huh, I don’t like them—I want the box kind. 

Sim: An’ now if you ’re goin’ to stay here it ’ll be awful 
handy fer Mollie here to run in if she gets stuck cookin’ 
somethin ’. 

Mrs. Sweet : I shan’t get stuck—hain’t I got six cook books ? 

Enter Nora. 

Nora [waving paper] : Here ’t is—here ’t is, sure’s yer born. 

Mr. Easy: Hooray—ain’t thet tons o’ luck? [All gather 
around Mrs. Paxton and look at paper.] Yep, it’s what 
we want, an’ the house is yourn. 

Grandpa: Yes, it says so, plain as day, an’ she won’t have 
to move. 

Willie: So we ’ll have to celebrate. [Begins to pass plate of 
cookies, eating as he does so. Ivy takes box from table 
and passes candy, eating meantime. Nora brings in plate 
of cookies from off stage and passes.] 

Mrs. Green: This is surely a grand party. 

Mrs. Paxton : Hain’t I the luckiest person in the world ? 

All: You sure be! 


curtain 



84 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


BROTHER JEDEDIAH 

Characters 


Charles Lee, rich city man. 
Hortense Lee, his wife. 

Noreen } their daughters. 


David Nolan, LuciWs lover. 
Marie, the maid. 

Brother Jedediah, a farmer. 
Mariar, his wife. 


Costumes 

Mr. Lee and David dress well with white collars and light 
vests. Mrs. Lee and the girls wear stylish gowns with jeiv- 
elry. Jedediah wears old suit, long linen coat, old slouch felt 
hat * and hoots , carries hig red handkerchief, and has chin* 
whiskers. Mariar has old, ill-fitting black dress and odd, old- 
fashioned bonnet with little veil across the top , tied in the 
back, and bonnet strings tied •under the chin. 

Scene I : Well furnished room in Lee home. 

Discovered, Mr. and Mrs. Lee and the young ladies. 

Mr. Lee [ anxiously] : By the way, I received a letter to-day 
from my Brother Jedediah saying he and his wife are 
coming to make us a visit. 

Mrs. Lee: Dear me, I hope they won’t be a bother—country 
folks, are n’t they ? 

Mr. Lee: Ye-es, I’m afraid you will find them quite coun¬ 
trified. 

Noreen : Well, papa, I hope you won’t expect us to introduce 
them to our city friends. How terrible! 

Mr. Lee: I at least hope you will treat them well and make 
them have a good time. Jed is my brother, remember. 


FOR CHILDREN 


85 


Mrs. Lee: Oh, I just know they will shock our friends to 
death. 

Mr. Lee: I don’t think it would matter if some of your 
friends were shocked to death—that silly Reggie Van 
Alstyne, for instance. 

Noreen : Papa! He is such a gentleman and so entertaining. 

Mr. Lee : Fiddlesticks! 

Lucile : I suppose they ’ll eat with their knives and say ‘ 4 1 
seen,” and dress as if they came out of the ark. [Giggles.] 
Won’t it be fun? 

Noreen : Not so funny when you have to introduce them to 
David. 

Lucile : Oh, David is game! 

Mrs. Lee : Tell us, what are these people like ? 

Mr. Lee [nervously] : Well— I —that is—you know I have 
not seen Jedediah for a number of years, but I imagine 
he is—well, what you call rough and—ill-mannered, but 
he is very good hearted, very. I hope you will be nice to 
him and Maria for my.sake. 

Lucile [gaily] ' Jededier an’ Mariar—oh, won’t they be fun ! 

[Laughs.] 

Mrs. Lee: I don’t see how you can joke—it gives me the 
horrors to think of having them here. [Sighs.] 

Lucile: Cheer up! “Tell me not in mournful numbers/’ 
Maybe they won’t be so worse. Don’t let them get your 
goat, mamma. 

Mrs. Lee: Mv dear, your slang is dreadful. 

Enter Marie. 

Marie: Mr. Nolan is in the reception room, Miss Lucile; and 
Briggs says the car is ready, madam, for those who are 
going to the opera. 

Mrs. Lee: Then bring our wraps, Marie. [All exeunt.] 

£ A 


curtain. 



86 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Scene II. Room as before. 

Discovered , Mr. and, Mrs. Lee. 

Mrs. Lee : When are we going to have our yacht, Charles ? 
I am getting anxious to have a sea voyage. 

Mr. Lee: Well—I—the—that is, Hortense, I wonder if we 
can’t get along without the yacht for this year. My ex¬ 
penses are so heavy— 

Mrs. Lee: Dear me, Charles, always the same old story of 
expenses. I get sick and tired of them. 

Mr. Lee : So do I —there are almost too many for me. I’m 
afraid they will drive me to the wall. 

Enter Noreen, Lucile, and David. 

Noreen : Papa, Lucile has the craziest notion. 

Lucile: Oh, papa, I want you to buy me an airship and let 
me learn to fly. Bess Clendenning has one. 

Mrs. Lee : Horrors, Lucile, you frighten me cold just speak¬ 
ing of it. 

Mr. Lee [aside] : More expense. 

Lucile [laughing] : I’m like an airship anyway—not good 
for anything on earth. 

David: It surely is great sport, Mr. Lee. 

Enter Marie. 

Marie: There is a man in the hall, sir, with a woman, and 
he wants to see you. 

Mr. Lee: [aside] : Jedediah—great heavens! I will come 
out, Marie, and speak to them. [Exit Marie.] 

Enter Jedediah and Mariar, carrying bundles. 

Jedediah: Say, how are ye, Charlie, old boy? B’gosh, I 
hain’t seen ye fer more ’n ten year. [Grabs Mr. Lee’s 
hand.] I told Mariar we’d cum right in an’ be sociabul 


FOR CHILDREN 


87 


an’ not set out in thet hall. Say, Charlie, ye hain’t lookin’ 
so fat as ye uster—hain’t they feedin’ ye well? Wal, I ’ll 
bet this is Hor-tensy! [Grabs her hand and shakes it.] 
Glad to see ye, ma’am. Ye’d be real swell lookin’ ef ye 
didn’t hev sech a washed-out look—I hope that hain’t 
face paint. I don’t ’low Mariar to use no sech stuff on 
’er face. An’ say, b’gosh, I ’ll bet these is them gals o’ 
yourn, Charlie. Now, now, hain’t they nice gals, Mariar? 
[Shakes hands with girls.] An’ now who’s this young 
feller? Don’t seem like I kin place him. 

Mr. Lee: He is Mr. Nolan, one of Lucile’s friends. 

Jedediah [grabbing Nolan’s hand] : Glad to see ye, young 
feller. Say, b’ gosh, I’ll bet yer cornin’ here courtin’ one 
o’ these gals. 

Mrs. Lee [aside] : Oh, oh, how terrible! I shall faint with 
shame. 

Jedediah: Mariar, step up and shake hands with folks— 
don’t be skeered. [Mariar goes around shaking hands 
stiffly.] I tell ye, Charlie, I most hed a notion to bring 
ye a yearlin’ calf fer a presint—got a full-blood thet’s 
Wurth a thousan’ dollers this minit. Seys I to Mariar, if 
the pesky critter wan’t so much bother to carry ’long I’d 
give ’er to Charlie, b’gosh. But say, ma’am [to Mrs. 
Lee] I’ve brung ye some nice fresh eggs—none yer cold- 
storage stuff. Whar’s them eggs, Mariar? 

Mariar [pointing ]: I laid ’em on that cheer. 

Mrs Lee : If you will excuse me, I ’ll go look after some 
luncheon for you. [Aside] How shall we ever endure 

this disgrace ? [Exit.] . 

Noreen: I think I must be excused too. [Aside] What can 
papa be thinking of to have such a brother? [Exit 
Noreen; others sit.] 

Jedediah: Say, Charlie, how’s crops round here? Purty 

Me. LeeV Why, I—I think so; I really can’t say, Jedediah. 



88 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


David : They ’re good—fine for this time of year. I noticed 
some fine fields when I was up yesterday. 

Jedediah : Say, young feller, what’s yer job ? Hain ’t lookin ’ 
fer work, be ye ? I’m tryin ’ to git a good hired man an ’ 
by heck I ’ll pay ye most any price ef yer any good. 

Lucile [to David] : Oh, isn’t he funny? [To Jedediah] 
No, uncle, Mr. Nolan is n’t a farmer—he’s a bird man. 

Jedediah: Sho—ye don’t say. We hed one them bird fellers 
from the city stay to our house fer two weeks—alius 
studyin’ birds an’ he didn’t ’mount to nuthin’—couldn’t 
pitch hay with Mariar. 

Lucile : Oh, I don’t mean that—he is an aviator—flies in an 
airship. He can do anything a bird can do. 

Jedediah: Then, b’gosh, I want to see ’im sleep on the lim’ 
o’ a tree hangin’ on by ’is feet. 

Mr. Nolan [laughing] : I’m afraid I can’t do that yet. 

Jedediah : Here now, ef I hain’t fergittin ’ ter give ye that 
gum I bought fer ye on the train. [Hands Lucile pack¬ 
age of gum.] I reckon ye ’ll like it, fer I told the feller 
sellin’ stuff to gimme the best ’e hed. 

Lucile : Thank you, uncle. Papa usually scolds me if I chew 
gum, but I shall chew this because you gave it to me. 

Mr. Lee : I ’m sure you must be tired and dusty from travel¬ 
ing so far. You must go to your room so you can get a 
bath and freshen up. 

Jedediah: Git a bath? W’at ye talkin’ ’bout? This hain’t 
Sataday night, an’ b’gosh I hain’t goin’ ter trouble the 
ol’ washtub more ’n onct a week. I got off the keers an’ 
washed my face at a pump I saw standin ’ near the daypoo 
down the line an ’ that ’ll do me. I s ’pose Mariar’d like 
ter wash ’er han’s, would n’t ye, Mariar ? 

Mariar: Jes’ as ye say, Jedediah. 

David : I ’ll have to give you a ride in my airship while you 
are here, Mr. Lee. 

Jedediah [getting up and shaking hands with Mr. Nolan] : 


FOR CHILDREN 


89 


Thank ye kindly, young feller, an’ I don’t wanter hurt 
yer feelin’s, but ef it’s all the same to ye, I 11 stay on 
terry firmy. Mariar sort o’ needs me to look arter er a 
few years yit. [Sits down on chair with eggs.] 

Mariar: Lan’ sakes, Jeddy, ef ye hain’t plum’-gone an’ set 
on them eggs! 

Jedediah [jumping up] : Suff’rin’ cats! now see w at I bin 
an’ gone an’ done! [Picks up basket and wraps it in a 
corner of his linen coat and runs off, followed by the 
others.] 

curtain 


Scene III. Room as before. 

Discovered, Mrs. Lee. 

Mrs. Lee: Oh, those terrible people from the country! I 
wonder how long they are going to stay. I shall tell 
Charles he must send them home before they drive me 
insane. 

Enter Mr. Lee. 


Mr. Lee : I am glad you are here, for I must tell you some¬ 
thing—I—the—that is 

Mrs Lee : Why, Charles, what is the matter ? 

Mr. Lee: Matter? Just what I’ve been fearing—I—have— 
failed! We are penniless— penniless, I tell you. 1 Sinks 
into chair and covers face with hands.] 

Mrs. Lee: Oh, don’t say so! There must be some way for 


Mr Lee: No—I tell you we are ruined. 
Mrs. Lee: This is terrible—terrible! 
talk it over. [Exeunt.] 


Come where we can 



90 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Enter Jedediah, barefooted, hair rumpled, and wearing one 
of Marias ’s kimonos. 

Jedediah: Say, this is the durndest house fer feedin’ folks 
thet I ever stayed to. Mariar an’ me.is most starved, an’ 
I s ’pose we’d plum ’ starve ter death ef we did n’t go 
down town an’ git a fill-up onct in a while. They hev a 
leetle breakfas’ long tor’ds noon, an’ a bite er two thet 
they call lunchin, an’ dinner ’bout the time Christun 
folks should be goin’ ter bed. I’m goin’ down now an’ 
see ef I can’t swipe sumthin’ from the pantry fer us ter 
eat. Gosh, there’s sumbody cornin’. [Jumps across room 
and hides behind a large chair.] 

Enter David and Lucile. 

Lucile : Oh, David, isn’t it dreadful? We are ruined— 
haven’t a penny left, papa says. I suppose I ’ll have to 
go to work, and there is n’t a thing I know how to do. 

Jedediah [aside, sticking head up over top of chair ] : What’s 
that? 01’ Charlie in trouble? W’y didn’t ’e tell me 
’bout it? [Ducks down.] 

David : Surely there must be some way to arrange credit. 
Perhaps I can— 

Lucile : Oh, no, papa says there is no way. It will take fifty 
thousand dollars, and his credit is so poor no one will 
stand for so much. 

Jedediah [aside, popping up head] : Then let ’em set down 
to it. [Ducks.] 

Lucile [wiping eyes] : Maybe Uncle Jedediah will let me go 
home with him and work on the farm—he seems verv 
kind. 

Jedediah [aside, popping up head] : You bet yer life I will 
—I ’ll larn ye to milk cows. [Ducks back of chair.] 

David: But Lucile, we can be married; I shall be glad to 
take care of you. 

Lucile: No, no—I won’t get married just to be supported. 



FOR CHILDREN 


91 


Jedediah [aside, popping up head] : Thet’s the stuff— 
b ’ gosh, she’s got some spunk. 

David : I ’ll leave you now. I’m going to see if in some way 
I can’t help your father. 

Jedediah [jumps from hiding, runs up and catches David by 
arm] : Not much, young feller, they’s sumbody else ’ll 
help in this bizniss. 

Lucile [looking at him] : Why, uncle—you— 

Jedediah: Oh, b’ gosh, say, I hope ye won’t look at my ap- 
pearince—I wan’t thinkin’ ter meet nobody. But I want 
ter tell ye that if Charlie needs fifty thousan ’ dollers he ’ll 
git it soon’s I kin telyphone ter my bank. I gess Jed’s 
good fer thet, b’ gosh. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Lee and Noreen. 

Lucile: Oh, papa, we are saved—dear Uncle Jedediah is 
going to lend us' the money. 

Jedediah [hitting Mr. Lee] : Durn ye, Charlie, w’y didn t 
ye say ye was needin ’ a leetle cash ? 

Mr. Lee : But so much—fifty thousand— 

; Jedediah: Wal, I got three farms an’ any one o’ ’em ’ll run 
up well ter fifty thousan’. 

Mrs. Lee [going forward and taking Jedediah hands] : Oh, 
how can we ever, ever thank you ? 

Noreen [coming forward and putting hand on his aim] : Oh, 
if you aren’t the dearest uncle! 

Lucile: Well, I’m going to kiss him. [Runs and gives him 
smack on the cheek.] 

\ Jedediah : Hurrah, this makes me feel as gay as when I uster 
go to them dances back in ol’ Sawyer county, nigh forty 
year ago. 

[Have a phonograph at hand with a dance tune ready to 
start. Someone off stage starts it and Jedediah 
dances around stage, swinging first one lady and then 
another.] 



92 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 
Enter Mariar. 


Mariar: Lan’ sakes, Jeddy—hain’t ye ’shamed to be in 
cump’ny lookin’ thet way? Come now an’ git yer 
boots on. 

Ltjcile [as she and David dance about together ] : Hurrah for 
the best uncle in the world! [Everyone dances.] 

CURTAIN. 


THAT DOG ROVER 

Characters 

The Judge Tom ^ J 

Dugan, the officer Jim \ de f™dants 

Mr. Ames, plaintiff Brunk, a witness 

Scene: Justice room , with Judge at desk. 

Enter Dugan with Tom and Jim. 

Dugan: Shure, jedge, it’s bringin’ ye a case, I am, an’ 
they ’re both bad cases, too, yer honor. 

Tom : Aw, we hain’t no sech a thing, you mean cop, you. 
Judge: Here, here, don’t talk like that. 

[Dugan and Boys sit.] 
Enter Ames and Brunk. 

Ames : Oh, I see these bad boys are already here. I want to 
make a complaint against them, your honor; and I hope 
you will see that justice is done me, and that these boys 
are punished. 

Judge: Well, what’s the matter? 

Jim : Aw, say, judge, he’s the meanest old— 


FOR CHILDREN 


93 


Judge: Silence! You just wait, sonny, till it’s your turn 
to speak. 

Ames: You see it is like this. I have a very fine dog—a 
valuable dog, I might say, and— 

Tom: Huh, he ain’t no great prize, an’ I bet he ain’t worth 
more ’n— 

Judge [ pointing ] : Now you boys keep still until it’s your 
time to talk. 

Ames : I think a great deal of this dog, and in order that he 
may not be stolen or get lost I keep him shut in the yard. 
This afternoon, what was my surprise and sorrow to see 
these boys— [points] —these two boys trying to—to steal 
him. 

Jim : We never did try to steal ’im. 

Ames : I ’m sorry to say they did, judge, and I have this man 
as a witness *to the wicked deed. 

Brunk: Ya, I bin a witness. An’ I know they try to mek a 
steal. 

Tom : Aw, judge, ev’rybody knows that feller can t tell the 
truth if he wants to. W’y, he’s the biggest— 

Judge [rapping] : If you don’t keep still I ’ll shut you up 
and fine you. 

Ames : These boys who, I am sad to say, are allowing their 
feet to take them into paths of pernishus— 

Jim: Judge, we wasn’t in no paths—we was on the cement 
walk, hones’ to goodniss. 

Ames : And they were going past my home, where my valu¬ 
able dog lay sleeping on the grass in the front yard, and 
they whistled to him and— 

Tom : Say, judge, can’t a feller go ’long the street whis’lin’ a 
song if ’e wants to? That was a paterotic song an’—can’t 
a feller whis’le “Star-Spangled Banner” ’thout bein’ 
stealin’ a dog? 

Ames : They stopped in front of my yard and whistled and 
got my dog down to the gate, and coaxed him into the 






94 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


street, and took him with them; and this man [pointing 
to Brunk] saw them; and if I had not got after them in 
time they would have stolen him. This man can tell you 
the same. 

Judge [to Brunk] : What do you know about this? 

Brunk: Ya, I knows ’bout it, ’cause why I bin work on yard 
to mek ’im all mowed, an’ I see dese two boys come walk 
’long street; an’ when dey see dis dog dey walk awful 
slow an’ look all time at ’im an’ talk an’ whis’le to ’im, 
an’ when dog comes down to gate dey coax ’im, an’ dog 
he follows up street, an’ dese boys try mek a steal. 

Ames : When I was a boy I used to go to Sunday school and 
tried to be an honest, upright boy; but these — 

Jim: Now, judge, don’t you b’lieve what he says, ’cause ’e ’s 
mad at us ’cause ’e’s got it in fer us ’cause we called 
’im “ rottin tater.” 

Judge: Why did you call him “ rotten potato ”? 

Ames: Now, your honor, I hope you are not going to listen 
to — 

Judge [to Ames] : Be quiet. [To Jim.] Why was it? 

Jim: Well, ye see, Tom’s mother is poor an’ she had to buy 
some taters; an’ she bought ’em of [pointing to Ames] 
him; an’ he said they was good. An’ when ’e brought 
’em they was half rottin, an’ ’e got the money. An’ then 
’e said the taters was all right, an’ ’e cheated ’er; an’ so 
we yelled “ Rottin’ Taters” at ’im on the street an’ 
made ’im awful mad. 

Judge: Oh, I see. 

Ames: I hope, your honor, that you won’t pay attention 
to — 

Judge [rapping] : Never mind. [To Tom.] Suppose you 
tell me why you got the dog to follow you. Why did you 
coax him from home? 

Tom : Hones’, judge, we didn’t coax ’im —that is, not re’lly. 
Anyway, we wasn’t stealin’ ’im. ’cause it was like this: 






FOR CHILDREN 


95 


When we was goin * past we saw the dog on the grass, an ’ 
Jim says he bets his dog is bigger hi that one, an’ so we 
whis’les to make ’im git up to see how big ’e is; an’, 
after ’e got up an’ seen us, ’e liked us, ’cause dogs 
alius likes good-nat’red boys — hones’ they do, judge, 
an’ ’e liked the looks of us an’ come walkin’ down to 
the gate to sort-a visit with us. 

Brunk: Dey try to mek a steal an’ coax off dog. 

Ames: I hope you don’t believe that boy’s foolishness. 

Judge: What happened next? 

Jim: We ’re tellin’ the truth, judge, an’ when ’e got to the 
gate I says he’s a dandy all right, but I ’ll bet a dollar 
that my dog can lick ’im. You bet, judge, I’ve got one 
fine dog an’ he’s worth more ’n [pointing to Ames] hissen 
any day. 

Ames: Your honor, my dog is a valuable one. Rover cost 
me — 

Judge: Nevermind. [To Jim.] What happened next? 

Jim: Well, Tom here, he says he ain’t sure my dog can 
lick this one, an’ ’e says, “Gee, I wisht ’e ’d come on up 
to yer house so’s they could have a fight.” An’ we 
didn’t try to steal ’im, but I says to Rover that if he 
was up to my house we’d have a dandy dog fight. 

Judge: Young man, don’t you know that dog fights are 
wrong? 

Ames [horrified]: My valuable Rover in a common dog 
fight! 

Dugan : Shure, now, would n’t that be some fight. [To Jim.] 
I bet Rover could-a licked your dog. 

Tom: I bet you don’t know how Jim’s Tige can fight. He’s 
some winner, b ’leeve me. 

Jim [to Judge]: Hones’, didn’t you know dogs like to 
fight? W’y, Tige he jest loves it. An’ so Rover, he 
follered us ’cause ’e wanted to see my Tige an’ see 
whether ’e could lick Tige. We wasn’t tryin’ to steal 


96 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Rover — my mother’d lick me if I brought home anuther 
dog to keep ’cause she don’t like dogs. 

Judge [to Ames] : This case is dismissed. Your dog is all 
right, and I don’t think the boys wanted to steal him. 
Don’t bother me like this again. You pay this fellow 
[pointing to Brunk] for his trouble, and take him off. 

Brunk: Ya, I want-a fifty cent fer my troubles. 

Ames: I haven’t been treated fair. [He and Brunk ex¬ 
eunt.] 

Judge [to boys] : Now, young fellows, you let this be the last 
time I hear of you in connection with dog fights. They 
are prohibited. Understand? 

Boys: Yes, judge. Thank you, sir. [Exeunt.] 

CURTAIN 


A HOME-MADE PLAY 

Characters 

Nan, Bess, Tom, King, Queen, Princess, Count Karlbad, 
Prince Elbert, Witch, Page. 

Scene I 

Discovered, Nan, Bess, Tom. 

Nan: Say, let’s give a play — just we children. 

Bess : One that we make up ourselves — that ’ll be fine. 
Tom: An’ have a band to play like they do at the theater. 
Nan: Yes, an’ get it up all ourselves. Joe will take part, 
I know. 

Bess: So will Fred, an’ he’s good at acting. 

Tom : Mary will help, an’ she isn’t a bit scared on the stage. 



FOR CHILDREN 


97 


Nan: An’ we’ll fix our own costumes an’ dress up swell. 

Bess: An’ we ’ll have a king in it an’ a — a — villyun. 

Tom : An’ have a lot of excitement — that’s what I like. 

Nan: Come on, let’s go see the others ’bout it. [Exeunt.] 

CURTAIN 

Scene II 

Nan, Bess, Tom, Page, Witch, and Queen compose the 
hand. Nan, Bess and Tom wear queer costumes, and 
each has an instrument, a horn, fife, or mouth organ, 
comb with paper over, a flour sieve which turns with a 
crank and has a lot of pebbles in it to make a racket; 
an eggbeater which turns with a crank and has a num¬ 
ber of bells tied to it which ring. A zither, accordion 
and whatever is available, may be used, so that each 
member of the band has an instrument. The Page wears 
a big hat and long coat to hide his page suit. The Witch 
wears sunbonnet and a long shawl to cover her witch 
costume. The Queen wears short dress and a sunbonnet ; 
then after band plays she can slip on her queen robe and 
crown and be ready to appear on time. 

Costumes should be humorous. King wears bright kimono 
trimmed with white cloth inked to look like ermine and 
a large crown; Queen wears similar kimono, smaller 
crown, and many strings of beads; Princess wears white 
with overdress of lace curtain; Witch long black skirt 
and black cape made of black shawl, with dreadful black 
headpiece; Page wears short pants, long stockings, sash 
around waist, small cap , large collar and bow; Prince 
and Count have as swell clothes as possible, white vests, 
high collars, etc., and each has moustache. Band plays 
before curtain rises for Scene 11. 

A large chair is placed on a box and the whole covered with 


98 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


a bright horse-blanket for the king’s throne. King holds 
scepter whittled from pine and colored various bright 
hues. 

Discovered, the King on throne. 

King: Aha, I wonder what the day will bring forth! Per¬ 
chance there will be some wicked one to behead or burn 
at the stake. Aha ! 

Enter Count Karlbad 

Count : Ho, your Soverun Majesty, dost I darest to approach 
an’ hold converse? 

King [holding out scepter j : Approach, Sir Count, an’ say 
what is inest thy mind. 

Count: Long, oh, mightiest king an’ noble sovrun, have I 
admired thy wisdom an ’ greatness. 

King [aside] : Methinks he is a smart an’ splendid fellow. 

Count: Me fainest would believe there is not another such 
a king living. 

King [aside] : Aha, he is wiser than I knowdest. 

Count: But I am not worthy to enter thy family, though 
my father didst havest great possessions an’ much money. 

King: Truly thy father was a mighty man. 

Count: Long have I aspired — put me not to death, oh, 
mighty king, for my presumption — to weddest thy lovely 
daughter. 

King : Aha ! Say, she’s some girl, ain’t she ? 

Count: Me prays thee, oh, king, give her hand to me to 
marry. 

King: I fain must think this over. [Aside.] The queen ’ll 
have to have her say, I s’pose. [To Count.] I ’ll let- 
test thee know later. Avaunt! 

Count: Pray I may win ’er, noble king. [Aside.] I hope he 
don’t find out none of my sins. [Exit.] 




FOR CHILDREN 99 


King : Where’s that page — worthless varmint. 
foot.] 


Enter Page. 


[Stamps 


Page: Didst call me, noble an’ most mighty highfalutin’ 
* king? 

King: Yes, I didst. Bring forth the queen hither. 

Page : So shall it be, wise an ’ lofty sovrun — provided she ’ll 
come. [Exit.] 

Enter Queen and kneels before throne. 

Queen : Oh, most high an’ mighty an’ wise an’ noble sovrun, 
didst sendest for me? What wishest thou, oh, king? 
Speak. [Rises as King holds out scepter.] 

King: Well, noble Count Karlbad wants to marry our 
daughter, the princess, an’ I think it’s a pretty good 
idee. He’s got lots of money. 

Queen: Ah, but methinks the princess does not love him. 

King: What difference does that makest? Let ’er marry 
him any way. 

Queen : But she will object, and she is — strong-willed. 

King : If I shut ’er in the dungeon there to eatest bread an ’ 
water — 

Queen [clasping hands] : Oh, I prayest, do not so to the 
dear girl. 

King : Let’s have ’er here. 

Queen: I ’ll bringest her to thee at once. [Exit.] 

Enter Page with goblet of fruit juice on a tray. 

Page: Wouldst havest some refreshment, mighty king an’ 
beloved sovrun? [Gives goblet and King drinks.] Now 
shall I sing thee a song? 

King: No, I’m busy. [Exit Page.] 

Enter Queen and Princess. 

Queen [kneeling before Kistg] : I have bringest the princess. 


100 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Princess [ kneeling beside the Queen] : What wantes't thou 
of me, oh, king? 

King: I want yon, Miss Princess, to marry Count Karlbail. 

Princess [rising quickly ] : What, that horrid thing? 

Queen [rising and patting her on back] : Oh, speakest not so. 

Princess: Alas, he’s a homely, poky nuisance, an’ I likest 
him not. An ’ say, pa — 

Queen : Oh, speakest not so to the mightiest king. 

Princess: Well, noblest king, there’s some one else I want. 

King [ angrily ] : Who’s the gink? 

Princess [stamping foot] : Prince Elbert—a noble, splendid 
young man, an’ nice looking. 

King: What? That bonehead? 

Princess [ stamping foot] : He isn’t —he’s a —a dandy! 

Queen : Oh, I beggest thee, be not naughty. 

Enter Page. 

Page: Oh, king, there’s an old witch out here wants to 
come in. 

King: Let ’er come —the more the merrier. [Exit Page.] 
Enter Witch. 

Witch : Oh, great and mighty king, I come to warn thee of a 
foe who seeks to bring trouble into thy realm. By my 
powers have I discoverest he is an impostor. 

King: Who is it? 

Witch : The Count Karlbad — one who wantest thy daugh¬ 
ter’s hand. He is a bad, bad man, and wants to be 
king in thy stead. 

King : We ’ll show him! 

Enter Prince Elbert. 

Prince: Oh, king, most high an’ mighty one, mayest I have 
a word ? 

King : Speak. 





FOR CHILDREN 


101 

Prince : Count Karlbad, who wantest thy daughter, is raising 
an army to overthrow thee after he gettest the princess. 

Witch: Yea, so I toldest thee, oh, king. 

Prince: I come to offer thee all my soldiers to lightest him. 

King: Good for you! We 11 shutest him in a dungeon to 
stay a thousand years, an ’ thou, oh, prince, shall weddest 
the princess. 

Princess : Oh, pa, ain 1 that lovely. 

Prince: Oh, beautiful and lovely princess. [Kneels and 
takes her hand.] 

Witch : And thou shallest live happy ever afterwards. 

curtain 


AUNT DOLEFUL’S AILMENTS 

Characters 

Aunt Doleful, Mrs. Banks, Mr. Carter, Mrs. Smith, 
Mr. Judd, Miss Grimes. 

Scene : The street. 

Discovered, Aunt Doleful, with bonnet and shawl. 

Aunt Doleful: I ’ve bin feelin’ so mis’bul lately I ’m goin’ 
down to see the docter. I was readin’ in a book ’bout 
Angeline Pectory — which you’d think is a woman, but 
’tain’t — it’s a sort o’ heart trouble. It says a body 
gits pain in the chest an’ palpitatin’ an’ feels awful 
bad, an’ I jes’ b’leeve I’ve got it. I had an aunt die 
with heart trouble, an’ they say I look like ’er. 




102 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Enter Mrs. Banks. 

Mrs. Banks : How are you. Aunt Doleful ? I ain ’t seen you 
in quite a spell. 

Aunt Doleful : Real poorly — I’m goin ’ to the doc’s. Guess 
I ’ve got heart trouble. 

Mrs. Banks: You’re lookin’ real bad; but seems like you 
look more’s if it’s yer stummick. I had an aunt die 
of stummick trouble, an’ she looked a real lot the way 
you do — sort o’ peeked an’ bad in the face. She had 
pains in ’er stummick, an’ felt mis’bul all over, an’ 
could n’t work, an ’ felt awful blue. 

Aunt Doleful: I git dreatful blue, an’ don’t feel like I 
could work; an’ mebbe them pains was in my stummick 
’stead o’ my heart. Come to think ’bout it, I b’leeve 
they was. I guess I’ve got stummick trouble. 

Mrs. Banks: Wal, now, you jes’ go to Doc Wilkins — he ’s 
a dreatful good hand fer stummick trouble. An’ then 
you take good keer o ’ yerself, ’cause my aunt went awful 
quick at the last, an’ seems to me yer lookin’ real poorly. 
Stummick trouble is a dreatful bothersome complaint. 
Wal, I mus’ be goin’. Good-bye. [Exit.] 

Aunt Doleful [hand on stomach] : Yes, I’m jes’ ’bout sure 
I’m sufferin’ with stummick trouble. [Shakes head.] 
Ain’t that awful? 

Enter Mr. Carter. 

Mr. Carter : Good mornin ’, Aunt Doleful. How’s the state 
of yer health to-day? Feelin’ purtty good? 

Aunt Doleful [sighing] : No; dreatful poorly — I’m suf¬ 
ferin’ with stummick trouble, I guess. 

Mr. Carter: W’y, say, you look to me more like it’s yer 
liver botherin’ ye. I was feelin’ like I had one foot an’ 
half the tother in the grave a while back — had bad pains 
an’ felt sick all over, an’ was awful blue an’ didn’t feel 



FOR CHILDREN 


103 


like workin’ an’ didn’t relish my eatin’, an’ had a bad 
color to my face. So I went to the doc, an’ he said 
’twas my liver. He gave me somethin’ that fetched me 
out all right — an’ here I be, still alive an’ feelin’ fine. 

Aunt Doleful: Mebbe, ’tis my liver — seems like I feel 
jes’ the way you said you did. Come to think ’bout it, 
I b’leeve ’twas my liver hurtin’ instead my stummick. 
Ain’t yer liver here? [Puts hand on chest.] 

Mr. Carter: Wal, I guess that’s yer lights up there, an’ 
yer liver’s a mite lower down — though I hain’t never 
seen its abidin’ place; but anyhow it looks to me like 
yer got the liver complaint. Don’t ye feel a lot like 
complainin’? 

Aunt Doleful : Lan’ yes! I could complain all day, if they 
was somebody to lis’en to me. 

Mr. Carter : Wal, I bet a doller ye ’ve got liver trouble. 
Jes’ go to Doc Evans an’ he ’ll fix ye up — he’s a good 
hand at it. Wal, good-bye to ye, Aunt Doleful. [Exit.] 

Aunt Doleful: I might ’a’ know’d ’twas liver trouble. 
Paw’s cousin Jacob’s wife ust to have it, so I s’pose it’s 
in the fam’ly. 

Enter Mrs. Smith. 

Mrs. Smith : Oh, how do you do, Aunt Doleful ? I’m glad 
to see you out. Are you feelin’ in good health? 

Aunt Doleful: No, real mis’bul — sufferin’ dreatful from 
the liver complaint, an’ livers is awful bad when they git 
to actin’ up. 

Mrs. Smith : Dear sakes, yes! I had a sister — poor thing, 
sech a splendid woman an’ in the prime o’ life — that 
jes’ went a-scootin’ to ’er grave with liver trouble. But 
don’t seem like you look the way she did. Be you sure 
you hain’t anemick? 

Aunt Doleful: No; I’m Methydist — belonged fer twenty 
year. 




104 HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 

Mrs. Smith: Oh, I don’t mean that — this aneemy is a 
new sort o’ a disease that quite a few folks is havin’. 1 
had a cousin die with it jes’ las’ year— jes’ sort o’ faded 
’way like; not sufferin’ very much, but didn’t feel well 
an’ couldn’t work, an’ got thin an’ no color to ’er, an’ 
dreatful blue an’ didn’t have no appetite. I wonder 
if that ain’t what’s ailin’ you. 

Aunt Doleful: Jes’ as like’s not — seems to me I feel like 
that. 

Mrs. Smith: Now ain’t it real provident’al I met you, so ’s 
to tell you ’bout it, ’cause some o’ the docters don’t alius 
recognize it, bein ’ sort o ’ new, you know; but it’s real 
dang’rous, an’ you musn’t waste a minute gittin’ it 
tended to — if it ain’t too late already — which I hope 
it ain’t. You go to Doc Jones, an’ I guess he’ll fix 
you all right. But I mus’ be movin’ on — I’m in a 
hurry. Good-bye. [Exit.] 

Aunt Doleful: To think o’ sech a dreatful new sickniss an’ 
me never knowin’ I had it. [Sighs.] Hain’t it lucky 
I found out? 

Enter Mr. Judd. 

Mr. Judd: Wal, wal, now, if here ain’t Aunt Doleful — 
hain’t seen ye fer a month a Sundays. How ye gittin’ 
along? Feelin’ pritty good? 

Aunt Doleful [shaking head] : No, worse ’n us’al — bin 
took real bad with this new disease that ’s takin ’ so many 
folks — aneemy. 

Mr. J udd : Shucks now, that’s bad! Seems like I’ve heerd 
’bout that. Couldn’t the doc give ye somethin’ fer it? 
But say, are ye sure ye hain’t got a cancer? Seems to 
me yer lookin’ jes’ the way Ike Johnson’s wife did — sort 
o peeked an’ run down, an’ like ye felt bad all over, an’ 
bad complection. W’y, don’t ye go an’ have a opera¬ 
tion ’fore it gits too late? Operations has saved lots 


FOR CHILDREN 


105 


o’ lives. I’m awful glad I met ye, ’cause 1 b’leeve a 
operation will jes’ set ye on yer feet an’ ye ’ll be all 
right. Jes’ go see Doc Turner an’ he ’ll git ye through 
fine. Don’t wait none, fer folks has to git right after 
cancers else it’s too late. Good-bye. [Exit.] 

Aunt Doleful : Oh, dear sakes! I bin scairt all my life I’d 
have a cancer, an’ here ’t is! What ’ll I do? I might ’a’ 
known that was what ailed me when I felt so terribul. 
I’m jes’ goin’ home an’ die. 

Enter Miss Grimes, briskly. 

Miss Grimes: W’y, how are ye, Aunt Doleful? I’m glad 
to see ye. Yer lookin’ real well. Ain’t that nice to be 
feelin’ in good health? Some folks is alius sick, but yer 
lookin’ real chipper. Say, I s’pose ye heerd ’bout the 
bargain sales down to the Golden Rule Store to-day. 
They ’re offerin’ some terribul good bargains, an’ things 
folks is a needin’ real bad, too. I’m on my way there 
now — I’m goin’ to buy quite a bit while it’s cheap. 
Now jes’ come on an’ go with me an’ we ’ll have a real 
good time. I do jes’ admire to go shoppin’, an’ bargain 
sales is a real treat. 

Aunt Doleful: Bargain sales? Now I jes’ do need some 
things real bad, an’ a body oughter git there ’fore things 
is picked over. Come on, Belindy, le’s hurry. [She 
takes Miss Grimes’ arm and they hurry off.] 


curtain 


106 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


MISS MERTON, MILLINER 

Characters 


Miss Merton, milliner. 
Nell and Lou, schoolgirls . 
Miss Botts, old maid. 

Miss Dash, young lady. 


Sue, a little girl. 

Mr. Wing. 

Mrs. Green, elderly lady. 
Mr. and Mrs. Hale. 


Scene: Miss Merton’s shop. 
Discovered, Miss Merton. 


Stage Setting: Small tables may be placed at back and 
sides of stage on which hats are placed; some hats may 
be hung on the wall at back. There should be a good 
collection of hats, stylish, and others quite out of date. 
By having the children borrow hats, artificial flowers, etc., 
the hats can be trimmed up to do very nicely. Have one 
or two old-fashioned bonnets. 

Miss Merton : I hope trade will be good to-day. I need 
some money, and hope I shall sell several hats. 

Enter Miss Dash. 

Miss Dash: I want to try on some hats, please — something 
real swell. I hate dowdy, plain hats. I want something 
that will make me look very stylish — a nifty hat does 
add so much to one’s appearance, you know. 

Miss Merton: How would you like this? [Gives her a 
small hat with bright trimming.] It has very good 
style. [Puts hat on Miss Dash.] 

Miss Dash [looking in glass and turning about ]: It ’s real 




FOR CHILDREN 


1.07 


pretty; but it doesn’t make me look swell enough — you 
know Joe Barret, my fellow, wants me to look dreadfully 
dolled up. I think there is more style to a large hat, 
don’t you ? 

Miss Merton: Perhaps you’d like this. [Tries large hat on 
her.] 

Miss Dash : The shape looks well, but it is n’t bright enough 
— you know men like to see a lot of color on hats — at 
least Joe does. 

Miss Merton: How is this? [ Tries on hat with bright 

colors.] 

Miss Dash: Hum. [Turning before glass.] I wonder how 
Joe would like it? It seems to go pretty well with my 
style of beauty. It isn’t quite as swell as I’d like. An’ 
I want it to look like it cost a whole lot— there’s lots 
in having hats look expensive, you know. I don’t want 
Joe to think I’m cheap. 

Miss Merton : I think it looks fine on you. 

Miss Dash: I like it pretty well— Say, listen here, I ’ll 
come in to-night an’ try it on again, an’ stand in the 
window with it on when Joe goes by from work, to see 
if he likes it. If he does, I ’ll buy it. 

Miss Merton: All right. [Exit Miss Dash.] Humph, I 
would n’t take so much pains to please a man. 

Enter Nell and Lou. 

Nell: We want to look at hats — something real cute and 
stunning. 

Lou: Oh, this is a peach! I bet I ’ll look fine in it. [Miss 
Merton hands it to her , and she tries it on.] Say, kid, I 
look like a bird in this. 

Nell: Sure —if it just had a feather on it, I ’ll bet you 
could fly. 

Lou: You try it on. [Nell does.] Say, you look swell, 
honest. 


108 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Nell: I like this one better. [Points and Miss Merton tries 
it on her.] Oh, I look dandy in this, don’t I, kid? 

Lou: I should say. Let me try it on. [She does.] Oh. 
don’t I look like a picture? 

Nell: Yes; like a picture in the funny paper — like Mrs. 
Shenanigan. 

Miss Merton: Try this one. [Puts another hat on Lou.] 

Lou: This is a dream, ain’t it, kid? 

Nell: Sure — but I ’ll bet the price is a nightmare. Let me 
try it. [She tries it.] I look better than you do. 

Miss Merton : You both look lovely in' it. Let me sell it 
to one of you. It has oceans of style. 

Nell: I want to try that one. [Points.] It is a beaut, don’t 
you think, kid? [Tries it on.] Say, this is a scream. 

Lou: I should say. Let me try it. [She does 50 .] This is 
some hat, believe me. 

Miss Merton : It looks lovely on you. Let me sell it to 
you — only seven seventy-five. 

Nell : Gee, that’s some price. Oh, say, kid, this is a cute 
one. [Points. Miss Merton puts it on her.] 

Lou: You look swell in that — you ought to buy it. 

Miss Merton : Yes, you look lovely. You better take it. 

Nell : Oh, I’m not going to bu} r a hat now. I’m going to 
get mine when I go to Columbus. They ’re cheaper 
there. Say, kid, we’ve got to go. 

Lou: I should say so. Thanks for looking at the hats. [Ex- 
eunt.] 

Miss Merton [sighing] : Well, that is nice, I must say. 

Enter Miss Botts. 

Miss Botts: How do you do, Miss Merton. I was going by 
and I thought I must come in and try on some of your 
lovely hats. Such beauties as you have, and so much 
style. 

Miss Merton : Thank you, I think I have some pretty pat- 





FOR CHILDREN 


109 


terns. [Takes hat from table.] Let me try this on you. 

Miss Botts [ removing hat] : Oh, my hair looks a fright. 
[Miss Merton puts liat on her.] Oh, isn’t that sweet! 
It isn’t too old for me, is it? I do not believe in young 
people dressing too old. And I do love, bright colors. 
Let’s try something brighter. 

Miss Merton: How is this? [Puts another hat on her.] 
You look lovely in this. 

Miss Botts: Yes, I think so, too; but, do you know, I look 
nice in almost every hat I try on. Isn’t that queer? 
Oh, this is a beauty — let me try it. [Points to a hat for 
a real young girl.] I think that is just suited to my 
age. [Tries it.] Oh, I like this fine. [ Turns from side 
to side to look in glass.] I think I look just splendid in it. 

Miss Merton: Yes; you look lovely; and it’s only five dol¬ 
lars— that’s dirt cheap. 

Miss Botts: I really must have this! You ’re sure it isn’t 
too old for me, aren’t you? 

Miss Merton: Oh, really, it isn’t too old for you. 

Miss Botts : Well, I ’ll take it. You put it away for me, 
and as soon as I sell my chickens I ’ll get it. [Puts on 
her hat.] 

Miss Merton : All right, I ’ll put it away. It surely is a 
bargain. 

Miss Botts: Well, I believe in buying what you look best 
in. [Exit.] 

Miss Merton : Thank goodness, I’ve sold one. 

Enter Mr. Wing. 

Mr. Wing: How-do. I want to see a hat for a woman. 
None yer fancy gewgaws — jes’ a plain, sens’ble hat 
that ’ll stand wear an’ tear ah’ do fer Sundays an’ week¬ 
days, an ’ll stand sun an’ rough weather, an’ one that 
won’t go outer style right off; an’ I don’t wanter pay no 


110 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


fancy price, nuther — jes’ a good, all-round hat with a 
little sensible trimmin’ to it, at a sens’ble price. 

Miss Merton : Is it for your wife ? 

Mr. Wing: Yas, I heerd ’er say she wanted to cum to town 
an’ git a new hat; said she was goin’ ter hev somethin’ 
purtty if she did hev to pay fer it, an’ I jes’ made up my 
mind I’d come in an’ git ’er one myself, an’ not hev ’er 
waste money fer style an’ f ussy-fixin’s. Now, how ’bout 
that one right there? [Points to plain bonnet that ties 
under chin for an old lady.] 

Miss Merton [holding it up] : Oh, this is too old for your 
wife. She wants something younger and more stylish. 

Mr. Wing: Wal, my mother uster wear one like that, an’ I 
should think Maria could. I ain’t buyin ’ style, I told ye. 
What does she wanter be rigged out with these fussy fix- 
in’s and gewgaws fer when she’s bin married more ’n 
twenty year? Tell me that. These wimmin makes me 
tired, tryin’ to primp up like they’s young an’ silly. 

Miss Merton: How do you like this? [Holds up plain hat 
with a little trimming.] 

Mr. Wing: Might do; only dunno’s they’s any use o’ so 
much trimmin’ on it. Somethin’ plain an’ neat is my 
motto — I don’t wear no trimmin’ on my hats, an’ I’m 
jes’ as good as the wimmin be. What’s the price of 
that there? 

Miss Merton : Only four dollars. It is a good hat, and very 
durable. 

Mr. Wing: Four dollars! Great Scott! You think I’m 
made o’ money? I wuz calkilatin’ to git one fer ’bout 
a dollar an’ a half that’d be plenty good. 

Miss Merton : You better let your wife come in and pick out 
one she looks well in. 

Mr. Wing: Not much — I know ’er! — She’d buy that one. 
[Points to stylish one with lot of color.] How much 
is it? 




FOR CHILDREN 111 

Miss Merton : Ten dollars; cheap, too, for such a lovely 
creation. 

Mr. Wing : Ten dollars! Say, you do up this one an’ I ’ll take 
it. [Points to plain one she showed him.] It’s a turrable 
price, but ef I don’t take it she ’ll pay a lot more fer 
one. [Miss Merton wraps it up.] She ’ll keep this 
whether she likes it ’er not. [Exit.] 

Miss Merton [sighing] : Sometimes I’m glad I ’m not mar¬ 
ried. 

Enter Sue. 

Sue*. Hello, say, I want-a try on some hats — some awful 
pretty ones. 

Miss Merton [getting little girVs hat] : How is this? 

Sue : Aw, say, yoh put that back — I ain’t goin ’ to have no 
kid’s hat. I want one o’ them [points] all trimmed up 
with flowers an’ ribbons. 

Miss Merton : But they are too old for you. 

Sue: I ain’t goin’ to have a little girl’s hat, I tell you. Maw 
alius wants to buy me some little kid’s lid that I hate. 
Let me try on that one. [Points.] Say, ain’t that a 
swell beaut ? I bet I’d look fine in it. [Miss Merton puts 
it on her.] Oh, say, don’t I look like the princess in 
the fairy book? 

Miss Merton : But it is too old for you, really. 

Sue: Well, I want-a be a young lady — who wants to be a 
kid? Say, let me try that one. [Points to another styl¬ 
ish hat.] Cracky, that’s some hat. [Miss Merton puts 
it on her.] Oh, now ain’t I just too sweet? Say, listen 
here, how much is this? 

Miss Merton : Seven-seventy-five. But it’s way too old for 
you. 

Sue: ’Tain’t neither —it’s just swell. I’m goin’ to ask 
paw if I can’t buy it, an’ if I cry real hard I bet he ’ll let 
me. I ’ll come back again. [Exit.] 


112 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Miss Merton: My, what a child! 

Enter Mrs. Green. 

Mrs. Green : Good afternoon. I suppose you have some hats 
for sale. 

Miss Merton: Yes, I have a nice stock. Let me try some 
on you. 

Mrs. Green : Oh, I dunno’s I keer to try one on, but I’d 
like to see what you’ve got. [Sits.] I ’ll set while you 
show ’em, ’cause I’m havin ’ trouble with my corns. They 
most bother me to death, an’ I’ve spent more ’n thirty ; 
cents on stuff to cure ’em, too. 

Miss Merton [ holding up hat] : How is this? It has very 
good style. 

Mrs. Green: Wal, I think I don’t jes’ like that shape. It’s 
real nice, but don’t jes’ suit me. 

Miss Merton [holding up another] : How do you like this? 

Mrs. Green: The shape is real nice, but I don’t like that 
colored trimmin’—it don’t jes’ suit me somehow. I’m 
real partic’lar ’bout the trimmin’. Seems like as if I 
don’t like the trimmin’ I don’t never like a hat. 

Miss Merton [holding up another hat] : How is this? 

Mrs. Green: Wal, that’s real pretty, but I guess I like a 
bigger hat—I ain’t very taken with little hats. I like 
to git somethin’ for mj^ money. [Miss Merton gets a 
large hat.] Wal, say, now that’s real nice; but it’s too 
big! Never did care for real big hats — they ’re too 
much to carry ’round. Wal, as my corns is feelin’ better 
now, I ’ll go on, ’cause I’ve got to buy some things over 
to the groc’ry store. Your hats is real pretty. [Exit.] 

Miss Merton : Oh, dear, what horrid luck! 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Hale. 

Mrs. Hale: We want to look at some hats, please. 

Mr. Hale: Yes, a nice, neat, plain hat for my wife. here. 



FOR CHILDREN 


.113 


Mbs. Hale: Oh, not too plain, pa, I want a little color to 
it to set it off, like this one. [Points.] 

Mr. Hale: W’y, Sarah, that isn’t suitable for you —it’s 
too flashy. Now you want one like this. [Points.] 

Mrs. Hale: Now, pa, I ain’t goin’ to have such a dowdy 
one as that. Oh, ain’t this pretty? [Points.] I’d like 
to try it on. 

Mr. Hale: No, no, not that — I never did like that color. 
It ’s too — wal, I don’t like it nohow. This is real nice. 
[Points.] 

Mrs. Hale: Dear me, pa, you know I never could wear that 
shape. I’d look like a fright in it, an’ I ain’t goin’ to 
look no worse ’n I haf to. I think this is real stylish. 
[Points.] 

Mr. Hale: Pshaw, now, that ain’t no hat for a woman like 
you, ma. I would n’t go nowheres with you wearin ’ that. 
Here’s a neat one. [Points.] 

Mrs. Hale*. Now look here, pa, who’s goin’ to wear this, 
youerme? I want this one. [Points.] 

Mr. Hale [crossly] : Wal, you don’t haf to look at yerself 
with a hat on an’ I do, so I’m the one to pick it out. I 
like this. [Points.] 

Mrs. Hale: Humph, that ain’t got no style. 

Mr. Hale: Some folks has more style ’n brains, seems to me. 

Mrs. Hale: Oh, I don’t want to try on hats anyway. Come 
on, let’s go an’ see ’bout that thread I need. [They 
start out. As soon as Mr. Hale is off Mrs. Hale is back 
to say] : I ’ll come in again when pa ain’t along. [Exit.] 

Miss Merton: I’m tired out —guess I ’ll go to supper. 

CURTAIN 


Note* Hats should be used which are queer-looking, and which 
give a comical effect when tried on, thus adding to the humor of 
the dialogue. Those trying on hats should primp, twist, and turn 
before the glass, adding to the dramatic effect. 


114 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


THE MERRY MAIDENS CLUB 

Characters: Mary, Neva, Tillie, Jane, Helen, Cora, and 
Horace Lowry. 

Costumes: Girls’ parts are taken by boys who wear women’s 
clothes, being quite “ dressed up ” with frills and ribbons. 
Each boy wears a fancy hat and has some curls — these 
may be fastened to hat — about his face. Curls can be 
made of old hair switches, combings, or even crepe paper. 
Horace wears common school suit. 

Scene: A living room, chairs about, a small table for the 
president, on which is a small box of the tiny stick candy. 

Discovered, the six Girls sitting about at ease. 

Mary: Now, girls, we must have our meeting. Please come 
to order. 

Neva: Oh, I hate to come to order — let’s leave out the 
order. 

Jane : Let’s have another stick of candy first — I love candy. 
[She passes box and all take a stick.] 

Tillie: Isn’t Tessie Dean’s new dress a peach? Such a 
sweet color. 

Helen: Oh, I’m crazy about the way it’s made — so swell. 

Mary [ rapping] : Girls, come to order. We must have our 
meeting. 

Cora: We ought to be businesslike, same as the boys are. 

Neva: I hate business! There aren’t any boys here to 
know whether we ’re businesslike. 

Mary [rapping] : This club orter come to order, and I order 
it to come. Let’s sing our club song. 

[All stand in row and sing. ] 



FOR CHILDREN 115 

/ Tune : America 

The Merry Maids are we, 

[Bow low.] 

Handsome as you can see, 

And awful sweet; 

We ’re happy all the while, 

Just see us gaily smile, 

[Grin broadly.] 

We ’re fond of fuss and style— 

[Hold skirts at sides and bow.] 

We can’t be beat. 

We ’re fond of chewing gum, 

Candy we love, yum-yum, 

We like boys too; 

I [Wave hand at some boy.] 

We Te very fond of rest, 

Work is what we detest, 

[Fold arms and act tired.] 
Dish-washing is a pest, 

It makes us blue. 

[Bow low and take seats.] 

Mary : The secretary will read the minutes of the last meet¬ 
ing. 

Tillie: Oh, my sakes, I took the paper they was written 
on—by mistake, of course—-to do up my frizzes on, an’ 
now I can’t find it. 

Jane: Never mind the minutes — they’re no good. 

Helen : They are, too; don’t you know it says: * * Take care 
of the minutes and the hours ’ll take care of themselves ’ ’ ? 
Cora : Say, girls, le’s give a party an ’ invite the boys. 
Neva: Wouldn’t that be sweet? We’d have a lovely time. 
Mary : Oh, I don’t care about boys — they think they ’re so 
smart. 

Tillie: An’ they always want so much to eat. 




116 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


Jane : If we have a party I ’ll have to get my new sky-blue- 
green dress made an ’ buy some new shoes. 

Helen : Humph, I don’t care ’bout boys coming — they ’re 
such greenhorns, an’ they ’re ’fraid of girls, too. Boys 
ain’t any good. 

Other Girls [clapping hands] : That’s true — that’s true! 

Mary : That reminds me I have a piece about boys I’d like to 
read. [Beads aloud.] 

BOYS 

“ Boys are of two kinds — those that like girls an’ those that 
don -t like ’em. An’ boys that don’t like girls ought to 
be put in the reform school, ’cause girls is so nice that 
all the boys should like ’em. [Other Girls clap.] Boys 
have faces, but not such pretty ones as girls have, and 
they don’t take care of ’em like the girls do theirs, ’cause 
boys hate to wash their faces, an’ never even take the 
trouble to put on any powder or face paint. [Girls clap 
and several pull powder cloth from pocket, belt, or sleeve, 
and rub face.] When boys are young they like to tease 
girls, but when they grow up they want to marry ’em, 
so’s to have somebody to wash, an ’ iron, an ’ bake, an ’ 
sew, an’ mop, an’ cook for ’em.” 

Neva: Well, I won’t marry one of ’em — I don’t like boys 
a bit. 

Tillie: Neither do I, an’ they needn’t waste their smiles 
on me. 

Jane : Say, listen here! Le’s have a motion that our club 
w r on’t have anything to do with boys — they ’re so silly. 

Helen: Yes, le’s boycott ’em an’ all be old maids. 

Mary: Will you all agree to snub the boys an’ give ’em the 
cold shoulder ? 

Others [clapping] : Sure, sure! 

Cora [looking] : Oh, here comes Horace Lowry. I wonder 
what he wants. 




FOR CHILDREN 


117 


Neva : Dear me—is my hat on straight ? 

[All fuss with hats and hair and some powder faces.] 

Enter Horace Lowry. 

Horace: Hello, girls! Excuse me if I intrude upon your 
meeting, but I’ve got to drive over to Caxton and I 
thought maybe one of you would go with me — sort of 
lonesome to go alone. 

All the Girls: Sure, I ’ll go. [Gather around him.] 

Mary : I ’d love to go, Horace. It’s such a nice day. 

Neva : I ’ll go, Horace, because I have plenty of time. 

Tillie: He wants me — don’t you, Horace? 

Jane: I ’ll go — the doctor says I need fresh air. 

Helen: Horace, you want me, don’t you? 

Cora: You meant me, didn’t you, Horace? 

All : Come on, le ’s go. 

[They pull him toward the door; part hold of one arm, 
part hold of the other.] 

Horace: Gee, girls, how am I goin’ to take you all in a 
single buggy? 

Girls : / am the only one going. [ Each girl frowns at the 

others.] 

Mary : I ’ll go get in the buggy. [Runs off, followed by all 
the others in a rush.] 

Horace [scratching head] : Great guns, I didn’t know’s I 
was so pop’lar with the girls. Guess, seein’ my buggy 
is over home, I ’ll slip out the other way an’ get Jim 
Willis to go with me. [Exit.] 



118 


HUMOROUS DIALOGUES 


MARY’S NEW DRESS 

Characters: Nell, Tessie, Elsie, Julia, Lena, Clara. 

Discovered, Nell and Clara. 

Nell: Oh, Clara, have you seen Mary’s new dress? 

Clara: New dress? No, I haven’t. 

Nell: It is the queerest pattern; looks like this cloth they 
make bedquilts out of. You know her aunt sends her 
lots of things and she sent her this cloth. 

Clara : Well, that’s funny to have that kind of cloth. 

Nell: Yes, it is—but I must hurry. Good-bye. [Runs off.] 

Enter Julia at opposite side. 

Julia: Hello, Clara, what are you thinking about? 

Clara: Nothing much—just about Mary’s new dress. 
Julia: Her new dress? What about it? 

Clara: W’y, it ’s made out of the cloth they make bed¬ 
quilts of. 

Julia: You don’t say! I wouldn’t want bedquilt cloth. 
Clara: Neither would I. Her aunt sent it to her. Well, I 
must go—so ’long. [Goes off.] 

Enter Tessie. 

Tessie: How are you, Julia? Isn’t this a nice day? 

Julia: Yes, fine. Say, the queerest thing—Mary has a new 
dress, and what do you suppose it’s made out of? 

Tessie : I’m sure I don’t know—what is it ? Something fine ? 
Julia: Fine—I should say not—bedquilt stuff! Isn’t that 
dreadful? Oh, Sue’s calling me. I must go. [Runs off.] 

Enter Lena. 

Tessie: Hello, Lena. You ’re just in time to hear the news. 
Lena: News? What news? Do tell me quick. 


FOR CHILDREN 119 

Tessie: Mary has a new dress, and what do you suppose 
it ’s made of ? 

Lena : What ? Silk ? 

Tessie : Silk—nothing! It ’s made out of a bedquilt! 

Lena: Made of a bedquilt? How awful! 

Tessie: Yes, isn’t it? Her aunt sent it to her, and I s’pose 
she made it over out of a bedquilt. 

Lena : Well, I’m sure I’m not going to have anything more 
to do with Mary. I sha’n’t go with girls who wear 
dresses made of bedquilts! 

Tessie: They must be getting awful poor. 

Lena : Well, I should say yes. 

Enter Elsie. 

Elsie: Oh, what are you girls talking about so earnestly? 

Lena: About Mary’s new dress. Have you heard? 

Elsie : Oh, yes, I’ve seen it. She showed it to me to-night. 
My, it is pretty! 

Tessie : Pretty! 

Lena: Pretty—made of a bedquilt? 

Elsie: Made of a bedquilt—what do you mean? 

Lena: We heard it was made out of a bedquilt. 

Elsie : How ridiculous! Who ever said such a thing ? It’s 
made of silk, and is very pretty. 

Lena : Silk—really ? 

Elsie : Of course it’s silk, and nice silk, too. Her aunt sent 
it, and she always sends nice things. It’s this Persian 
silk—real stylish—that looks— [laughs] —well, like the 
cloth they used to make quilts of. 

Tessie : Oh, that’s it, is it ? 

Elsie: I’d be glad to have such a pretty silk dress. 

Lena : Well, I ’spose I would, too. [Exeunt.] 



















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MORNING EXERCISES FOR ALL THE YEAR 

-A DAY BOOK FOR TEACHERS- 

By Joseph C. Sindelar 
Author of Nixie Bunny in Manners-Land, 

Nixie Bunny in Workaday-Land, etc. 

This is a new work—just published—and the only really complete 
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252 pages. Cloth. Price, 75 cents 

THE BEST CHRISTMAS BOOK 

Edited by Joseph C. Sindelar 

There is nothing better or newer published in the way of Christ¬ 
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The following list of classified contents will show the variety and 
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in other lands. ^ 

Illustrated. 192 pages. Paper. Price, 35 cents 


BECKLEY-CARDY CO. Educational Publishers CHICAGO 







NUMBER GAMES FOR PRIMARY GRADES 

By Ada Van Stone Harris 

Director of Practice in Elementary Schools, Pittsburgh, Pa., and 
Lillian McLean Waldo 

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123 pages, illustrated. Cloth. Price, 60 cents. 

NUMBER STORIES 

By Alhambra G. Deming 

Principal of Washington School, Winona, Minn., and Author of 
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“Primary Language Stories” 

“Number Stories” represents an attempt to increase the interest 
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205 pages. Cloth. Price, 60 cents. 


BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY Publishers 


CHICAGO 






LANGUAGE GAMES FOR ALL GRADES 

- ■ '■ By Alhambra G. Deming — 

Principal Washington School, Winona, Minn. 

With Introduction by J. N. Adee, Supt. of Schools, Johnstown, Pa. 

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90 pages. Cloth. Price, 50 cents 

CARDS TO ACCOMPANY LANGUAGE GAMES FOR ALL GRADES 

Fifty-three cards, size 4 y z x 6 y 2 inches, for pupils’ use. 

Price, per set, 35 cents 

EASY THINGS TO DRAW 

By D. R. Augsburg 

Prepared particularly as an aid to teachers who lack training in 
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77 large pages. Paper. Price, 36 cents 

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A collection of nearly sixty songs, suitable for primary and 
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48 pages. Paper. Price, 15 cents; per dozen, $1.50 _ 

BECKLEY-CARDY CO. Educational Publitheri CHICAGO 







LANGUAGE AND COMPOSITION BY GRADES 

--_A HANDBOOK FOR TEACHERS—---- 

Covering the Eight Grades of Elementary Schools 
By J. M. Hammond 

Principal of Morse School, Pittsburgh, Pa. 

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-FOR ALL GRADES- 

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By Joseph C. Sindelar V 

Nixie Bunny in Manners-Land— A Rabbit Story of Good Manners 
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For children, from five to ten years 

( Continued ) 

Nonsense Rhymes and Animal Stories. By Alhambra 
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A rabbit story of the holidays. 159 pages, with 82 illustra¬ 
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